


Because You Love Me

by logans_girl2001



Series: Love and Family [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M, Steve McGarrett Has Issues, Steve McGarrett Has PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 20:51:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17190179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/logans_girl2001/pseuds/logans_girl2001
Summary: Now that Steve's home, and not dead, Danny does what he can to help him heal.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Before Your Love_ was supposed to be a one shot but my Danny muse decided he didn't like how it ended. I don't personally know anyone suffering from PTSD but I did research treatments. I tried to be respectful of people who are suffering from mental illness. Please take note and read, or not, with your own mental health in mind.

I'm so stunned that I do the only thing I can think of: I slam the door in his face. It's not like he's really there, right? I'm missing him so badly that my subconscious has conjured him and it's his ghost that's standing there. I mean, he's dead, right? So he can't _actually_ be standing there.

The door starts to open and I back away. I think about getting my gun but decide it'd just be worthless against a ghost. By the time the door's all the way open, I'm backed up against the tree.

He's frowning at me from the doorway. "Not the welcome home I was expecting."

When he starts to approach, I panic. "You're dead!" I exclaim and instantly feel guilty because up until this moment, I didn't truly believe.

He looks down at his body and pats it as if to make sure it's still there. "Don't feel dead."

I rush him and pound my fists on his chest. "You don't get to make jokes, you son of a bitch!"

He takes my wrists in his hands, stopping me from assaulting him further. "I know, D. I'm sorry."

"Sorry!? You're fucking sorry?" I roughly pull my wrists from his grasp. "Four months, Steven. Four months we've believed you to be dead. I had to tell my _daughter_ that you're not coming back. I made her cry. _You_ made her cry. Hell, you made _me_ cry. I hate to cry, Steven." I pace away from him, waving my arms wildly in the air when suddenly something occurs to me and I spin back to face him. "Don't take this the wrong way, but why aren't you dead?"

"Yeah, about that…" He rubs one hand along the back of his head and that's when I notice his hair's shorter than it was the last time I saw him and his skin has a grey undertone.

"Oh, my, God! You've been injured!" I jump forward and grab his upper arms. "Sit before you fall over." I lead him over to the couch and push him down on it, sitting on the cushion next to him.

"I'm fine, Danny." And now he sounds tired.

"I don't think so. Where have you been?"

He frowns in concentration and I worry that he has memory loss. "I don't know everything that happened but I spent the past four months in a hospital in Germany."

I slap his arm. "And you couldn't call a person?"

He blinks at me. "Yeah, because nothing's as romantic as getting a call from your dead lover." I narrow my eyes at him. "Not a conversation I wanted to have on the phone, Danny. Besides, I knew you would want to come and bring Grace and I couldn't allow that."

"Couldn't…" I sag back against the couch. "I don't understand."

"I have a TBI and I didn't want Gracie to see me struggling like that."

"But you're better now, right? I mean, they wouldn't have let you come home if you weren't. Right?"

He winces and I know I'm not going to like the answer. "I left AMA which is severely frowned upon in the military because doctors outrank even the Chiefs of Staff."

"They make you sign away your first born?"

"Something like that."

We fall silent, each lost in our own thoughts. I'm finding it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that my boyfriend has returned from the dead. "How'd Cath take the news?"

"Haven't told her yet."

I turn to frown at him. Catherine's his best friend. I figured he'd tell her first. "Why not?"

"Because you and Mary deserve to know first." Just when I think I can't love him anymore than I already do, he goes and says something like that.

"So how'd _Mary_ take the news?"

He chuckles softly. "Pretty much like you did. Only she slapped me, then hugged the shit outta me and told me she loves me."

I lean over to wrap my arms around him and squeeze tight and whisper, " _Aloha au ia 'oe_ " in his ear. He turns his head and captures my lips with his. God, how I missed kissing him, holding him, being held by him.

As always happens when we touch, a spark soon turns into a raging inferno and we're grabbing at each other, panting heavily into each other's mouth. Things are getting a bit too frantic but before I can call a halt he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine. "Please, Danny." The pleading note in his tone has my dick twitching.

I don't have to ask what he wants, it's the same thing I want and right now I can't think of a good reason to say no. "Okay."

His eyes open wide in surprise and that big goofy grin that I love stretches his cheeks wide. "Yeah?" I nod and he jumps up, his exhaustion obviously pushed to the side by the prospect of _finally_ getting laid. "C'mon!" He grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs and into the bedroom where he once again attacks my mouth.

I push him back a little. "Whoa, Sailor. What's the rush?"

"Ten months, Danny," he says through gritted teeth.

"I know, Babe. Doesn't mean we can't take this slow. It is our first time, after all."

"I don't think I can wait anymore, Danny."

There's something…off about his tone and I look closer, seeing things I overlooked in my excitement at seeing him alive. His eyes are a bit wild around the corners, almost like that of a frightened animal. And he's shaking. Just barely, but shaking nonetheless. If I didn't know him like I do, I wouldn't notice either thing. But as it is, I have a feeling I need to start looking for a way to call a halt to this and get him to agree to wait.

"Danny?" His questioning tone tells me I've been staring too long.

Cursing myself under my breath, I close and lock the door. I don't think Grace'll get up during the night but I don't want to take any chances just in case I can't get Steve to wait until later to have sex. Seeing her father and his boyfriend fucking is no way for my little girl to learn about the joys of gay sex.

Stepping closer to him, I slip my hands under his shirt. "Sorry, Babe. Can't seem to stop staring. It's not every day my lover comes back from the dead, ya know."

He quirks a small smile and begins removing my shirt slowly, his palms burning twin paths up my torso. I don't remember his touch being so hot.

Once both our shirts are off, he licks his way back into my mouth and uses that to try and distract me from him backing me across the room. We topple to the bed when the backs of my knees hit the edge of the mattress. He uses his thighs to get me to scoot back enough so he can kneel between my legs on the edge.

His kisses take on a frantic edge and I try to calm him with gentle caresses of my hands. When that doesn't work, I tug on his hair. After a few seconds he gives up the snack he's made of my earlobe to lean back and frown down at me. "What?"

"Slow down. There really is no rush. Grace cried herself to sleep so I'm not expecting her to wake until closer to dawn."

"Grace's here?" He looks around the room as if he thinks she's in here with us.

"Yeah. Stan took Rachel to Boston to spend the holiday with his family so I have her for the week."

"Okay." He blinks and sits back on his heels. "Wait, Rachel agreed to spend Christmas apart from Grace?"

"I insisted. First Christmas without you _was not_ going to be one without Grace, too."

"I see." He grins at me and I know that my distraction tactic didn't work. He's got a one track mind these days.

But I can't let him continue. I place one hand in the center of his chest, stopping him from kissing me. "I want to know what happened."

"I told you. I have no memory from being hit on the head and waking up in a hospital bed in Germany four months ago."

"What did the doctors say?"

He shrugs. "Part of the TBI. I may never regain those memories."

"So you weren't in a coma?"

He shakes his head. "According to the unit that found me, I was lucid and hiding with a family of goat herders."

"Huh. What else did the doctors say?"

"Danny…" I know he doesn't want to talk but I don't care. I just raise one brow. He sighs. "Possible PTSD."

"Possible? Did they actually meet you?"

"Ha, ha." His eyelids droop. It's obvious, to me at least, that he's dead on his feet.

"We don't have to, Steve."

"Ten months, Danny. Don't want to wait any longer."

"I know, Babe, and I don't want to wait either. But the fact remains, you're dead on your feet. Not to mention your recent head trauma, which hasn't fully healed yet."

He rolls off me to lie on his back to my right. "But I want so much!"

"I know you do, Babe. And we'll get there. Just need to be patient a bit longer."

He closes his eyes and nods his head slowly. It's painfully obvious that he's more tired than he wants to admit. "Let's get you undressed." I attack his boots first, then his pants. "Here,-" I tug on his shoulder to get him to sit up. "-put these on." I hand him a pair of his favorite sleep pants.

He puts them on with his eyes still closed, then lies back down on the bed. I chuckle softly at the sight of him curled up like a little kid with his hands tucked between his knees. "C'mon." I shove on his hip. "Get under the covers, ya big baby." He grumbles but lets me manhandle him until he's tucked into the bed, clutching my pillow.

With a shake of my head, I pick up my cell phone and hit speed dial number four. _"You have any idea what time it is?"_ Chin answers on the third ring.

"Yeah, sorry. I was hoping you'd still be awake and would want to know some news before you come over later."

_"Is it bad?"_

"Not at all. But it is, um, well, hard to believe."

_"I'm listening."_

And now that the moment of truth is at hand, I find I have no words. "Well, uh, Steve… Steve is…"

_"Danny?"_ I can hear Chin's annoyance and so just blurt out the rest.

"Steve arrived home about twenty minutes ago."

_"They found his body?"_

"No, I mean he's _home_."

_"Wait, you're saying Steve's_ alive _!?"_

"Yeah. Looks like the Army-" Steve interrupts me with "Navy, Daniel" which just makes me roll my eyes because, hello, unconscious man is correcting me. "-I mean the _Navy_ , actually, it was probably the Marines, just _assumed_ he was dead based on the _small_ puddle of blood next to the hole in the ground."

_"Was the blood even his? I mean, did you ever ask Cath that?"_

"No, I never asked. I figured the military would check something like that. But right now he's curled up in my bed unconscious."

_"Odd way of saying asleep."_

"Well, he didn't fall asleep so much as pass out, so he's unconscious."

_"Where's he been?"_

"Germany. And before you ask, he didn't call because he didn't want Grace to see him recovering from a TBI. Although I have a feeling he's far from recovered."

_"How'd he convince the doctors to let him leave?"_

"Didn't. Left AMA."

Chin chuckles. _"Sounds like Steve."_

"Yeah, look, sorry about calling so late but I want you to be prepared."

_"Sure thing, Brah. How about we push everything back to two-ish?"_

"Sounds good. Could you do the notifications? I'm not in the mood for questions. Tell everyone they'll get answers eventually."

_"No worries. The doctors say anything else other than the TBI?"_

"PTSD."

_"Knew that already."_

"Yeah, but now it's official. I can bet you they're insisting on therapy this time."

_"Yeah, I'm sure they are. Try and get some sleep, yeah? We'll see you around 2."_

"Okay. Night, Chin."

_"Night, Danny._ Mele Kalikimaka __ __."_ _

_" _Mele Kalikimaka_ , to you, too."_

"Danny?" I can barely hear Steve due to his face being buried in my pillow but what I can hear sounds so pitiful. 

"Right here, Babe. Just need to brush my teeth and change for bed. Okay?" I run my fingers through his hair, then go unlock the door on my way to the bathroom. 

"'Kay." I'm not sure he actually regained consciousness for that conversation and it worries me a little. 

While in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I look up TBI symptoms just to put my mind at ease. What I discover calms me. Since it's been four months since he sustained his injury, his current unconscious state is nothing more than the effect of air travel on a person recovering from a serious head injury. 

He barely stirs beyond curling closer to me when I slip under the covers. He mutters something and rubs his cheek against my shoulder. Once I've settled down for sleep, I feel him relax even more and slip further into slumber. 

I lie awake for a while, just watching him sleep. He looks so much younger when asleep, his face free of the worry lines it wears during his waking hours. 

Eventually the soothing sound of his soft breathing coupled with the sound of the waves crashing against the beach lull me to sleep. My sleep is peaceful in a way it hasn't been since he told me he was being deployed; peaceful and deep, despite having Grace in the house. 

Despite how deeply I'm sleeping I wake the instant I hear Grace's special knock on the door. It's something we started back when Rachel and I were still married. We didn't want her to walk in on us having sex so we taught her a special knock. Now she uses it to make sure I'm dressed. 

I have just enough time to prop myself up on one elbow and hold up a hand before she's in the room enough to see Steve sleeping next to me. "Shh." I put one finger to my lips. "Don't wake him." 

"I told you!" she hisses, approaching the bed and climbing up on it. 

I shift to give her space to lie between us but Steve tightens his grip on my waist and makes a noise in the back of his throat that reminds me of a wounded animal. "Easy." I murmur, petting his hair. "It's just Gracie." 

"Gracie?" He opens his eyes half-way and smiles at her, scooting back enough to let her lie between us, facing him. "Hey, Baby Girl." 

"Hey, Uncle Steve." Grace pats his cheek. "I told everyone you weren't dead but they didn't believe me." 

"Yeah, adults can be stubborn like that." I can tell he's fading again. 

"Grace, why don't you and I go open presents and let Uncle Steve sleep some more." 

Grace's head whips around so she can glare at me but before she can protest Steve speaks up. "Stay. Please." He sounds so pitiful that I can't find the heart to say no. 

"Okay. I guess some more sleep won't hurt. It _is_ a holiday after all." 

Grace kisses my cheek and snuggles down with her head on Steve's chest, a contented smile curling her lips. When I lift my gaze from my daughter's happy face to Steve's, I find him watching me from heavy-lidded eyes. The look in them is what I'm sure is in mine when I fear Rachel's trying to take Grace from me. It's almost as if he's daring me to try and separate them. 

"She's my daughter, you know." He nods. "Just so you remember. Her safety is my number one priority." He nods again and closes his eyes. 

Only once his breathing evens out again, do I allow myself to relax enough to fall asleep as well. 


	2. Chapter 2

The explosion is close and off to my left. It shakes the ground hard enough to make me lose my balance and I fall to the ground in an undignified heap. All around me is chaos. My men have been thrown off their feet by the explosion just like me. Now they're all getting up, some are shooting in the direction of the ambush from their positions on their ass or knees. Others are making sure their brothers aren't hurt.

"Sir!" Someone to my right shouts. I turn in that direction and find myself looking into a pair of terrified liquid chocolate brown eyes that have no place here in this world of death and destruction.

"Steve!" The voice calls again and this time I recognize Danny's voice. And Grace's face.

Her eyes are wide open and tears are brimming, threatening to fall. I feel her terror as if it was my own. Another explosion rocks the house to the accompaniment of a flash of light. Distantly I know that I'm home, in Hawai'i, in Danny's arms, in his bed and that there's a violent storm raging outside; that the 'explosions' of my nightmare are nothing more than thunder.

"Danny?" My voice sounds small even to my own ears and I can feel a panic attack building, my throat closing off and tears gathering.

A rushing starts in my ears and I see Danny's mouth moving but can't hear his words. Grace nods, though, and slips slowly from the bed and walks backwards out of the room, her face full of emotions I refuse to name. The last thing I ever wanted was for her to be afraid of me. She's my everything and now I'll have to rebuild her trust in me.

A hand on my arm causes me to jump, my heart in my throat. Turning my head I see Danny frowning at me, his mouth moving as he speaks but the blood is still overly loud in my ears. I shake my head, trying to tell him I can't hear him and he presses his lips together and I feel his breath on my face as he sighs. Obviously he asked me something and took my head shake as a negative answer.

He takes my face in his hands and I flinch but it has the desired effect; the rushing in my ears has quit and I can hear the rain pounding against the windows. "Steve?" His concern is a near tangible thing. As much as I want to reassure him, I find I can't; I'm just not able to. "Where are you?"

I open my mouth to answer him but nothing comes out. Tears of frustration prick the back of my eyes. While this isn't the first flashback I've had since waking in the hospital four months ago, it is the worst. I can't shake it. Each boom of thunder triggers another flinch, keeps the sounds and smells of the ambush fresh and in the front of my mind.

"It's okay, Babe." He wipes my tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "It's okay, I'm here." I nod and close my eyes, letting the sound of his voice wash over me; trying to ground myself in his touch. "Think you can take a shower and get dressed?" I nod again. Maybe being surrounded by falling water will break the cycle the thunder has me in and I'll be able to leave the past behind. "Need my help?"

There's no way I can let him leave Grace alone right now, as much as I feel I need him, she needs him more. "I…I think…I can…handle it." Another loud boom has me jerking so hard I fall off the bed. The jarring impact of my ass with the hardwood floor has the flashback easing its grip enough for me to give him the assurance he needs to go to Gracie. "I'm fine, Danny. Go to Grace. Make sure she's okay."

He peers down at me over the edge of the bed. "She's fine."

I shake my head. "She's terrified of me."

"Not you. The storm. To tell you the truth, it's scaring me a little, too."

"You're wrong, Danny. I saw her face. Besides, she's never been afraid of thunder before."

"Whatever." He rolls his eyes. "Believe me, don't believe me, I really don't care at this point." He swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up. "Take your shower. I'll be back momentarily." With that, he stalks out of the room. I don't move until I hear his angry sounding footsteps on the treads of the stairs.

I slowly stand up, doing my best to ignore the flashes of lightning and cracks of thunder, and make my way to the bathroom where I strip and step into the tub and turn on the shower spray. The flashback still has me in its grip and I run my fingers along the grout of the tile, hoping that the difference between it and every other shower I've had since I left ten months ago will ground me enough to break free of the flashback.

I lose track of time and when I come back to myself, I find the water near freezing and can sense Danny standing in the bathroom. Flinging the curtain back, I find him standing there, holding a towel. "Feeling better?"

I think about it a moment, the sounds of the storm have diminished and I can no longer smell cordite and burning flesh. "Yeah. I'm getting there."

"Good." He hands me the towel. "Need anything?"

Stepping from the tub, I take the towel and quickly dry off. "Yeah." Wrapping one hand around his shoulder, I tug him closer. "You." I fold him into an embrace and bury my head in his neck, inhaling his scent.

"Are you scenting me?" 

"Yep. Your smell is helping to ground me."

"My smell?"

I nod. "You smell like home: malasadas and coffee and Grace."

"I smell like Grace?"

I lean back to look at him. "Yeah. She smells like cotton candy and the sea." Leaning back in, I inhale deeply again. "You smell like outside, too."

"You sure you're not a Sentinel?" He chuckles, standing up on his toes and pressing his nose to my neck so he can scent me, too.

"Not a Sentinel, sorry."

"You smell like the ocean and coconut oil." He nuzzles his way behind my ear and nips the spot that makes me weak in the knees.

Taking a handful of hair at the back of his head, I tug until I can lick my way into his mouth. He wraps one leg around my hip, effectively pressing his erection again mine. Cupping his ass with my free hand, I hold him still so I can rock against him. Breaking the kiss he rests his forehead against mine. "Not really the time or place for this."

One corner of my mouth quirks in a humorless grin. "You don't understand, Danny. I haven't-" I tip my head and waggle my eyebrows. "-since I woke up four months ago. Was beginning to think my libido was gone."

He rolls his eyes and chuckles softly. "Yeah, there's absolutely no issues there."

"Guess we should go see what Santa brought, huh?"

He sighs and steps out of my embrace. "Yeah. Finish getting dressed. I'll meet you down there."

After pulling on a pair of jeans and a Naval Academy t-shirt, I head downstairs. Before I'm even halfway down, I'm greeted by an enthusiastic "Uncle Steve!" and a Gracie shaped missile aimed at my midsection.

I catch her and toss her gently in the air before gathering her to me in a fierce hug. "Oh, how I missed you." 

"Missed you, too." She sniffs and tucks her head into my neck. "Don't ever go away again."

"I wish I could promise that but I can't. I _can_ , however, promise I won't be going anywhere anytime soon."

"Good enough." I chuckle at her concession. "But you're okay, right?"

"Even better now that I'm home and have had one of your hugs."

She pulls back and takes my face in her hands. "You look tired."

"I am. It's been a long stressful four months of recovery."

"Well, you're home, now. Danno and I'll take care of you! Make you all better."

"Couldn't ask for anything more." I set her down on her feet. "But first, let's see what Santa brought."

"Okay." She takes my hand and skips back to where Danny's sitting cross legged next to the pile of presents under the tree.

Danny looks me over critically and must see whatever it is he's looking for because he nods and smiles. "Starting to look human again."

"Starting to _feel_ human again."

"Sit down, Uncle Steve!" Grace tugs on my arm until I sit. She climbs into my lap and snuggles close.

"You want to pass out the presents, Grace?" Danny asks, tipping his head toward the pile of brightly wrapped packages.

She sighs and reluctantly crawls off my lap to grab a shoebox sized present. "Here, Uncle Steve." She hands it to me and makes herself at home in my lap again.

"Help me open it?" I ask starting to pick at the tape holding the paper closed.

"Might want to check the label, first," Danny says, tapping one finger on the name written next to the 'to' on the tag.

" _Makuakane_?" I shift her around so I can see her face but she refuses to make eye contact. "Grace? I thought that was our secret."

"Not anymore, apparently." I look over at Danny, expecting to see anger on his face but instead I find him looking at us fondly. "It's okay, Steve. I like that she thinks of you as a father."

"Yeah?" I give him my biggest grin.

"Yeah. But I think _Makuakane_ is a bit of a mouthful. How about we find something else for her to call you, yeah?"

"Sure." I turn Grace completely around. "How about… Hm." I tap one finger against my chin. "How about 'Papa'?"

Grace looks to Danny, then back at me when she receives a nod from him. "Okay, Papa!" She throws her arms around my neck and squeezes. My heart clenches at hearing her call me that and I feel tears gathering again.

"Okay, Baby Girl. Time to finish opening presents so we can eat breakfast." I press a kiss to her hair and turn her back around so we can finish ripping the paper off. Under the paper is a cardboard shipping box. Luckily it's not taped shut. I pull the flaps open and stare in amazement at what's nestled inside amongst a nest of packing peanuts. "How…?" I stop to clear my throat. "Where'd…?" I have no idea what to say.

"Auntie Mary sent it to me. Said it was your favorite toy."

"What is it, Grace?" Danny frowns at the box, straining to try and see inside it.

Reaching inside, I lift out the GI Joe action figure that I thought had been lost in the move to the mainland. "I thought I'd lost this."

"Auntie Mary said she took it so that you'd always be close." Grace doesn't seem to understand how her words are affecting me. "Since it was your favorite she felt like having it was the same as having you."

"Steve?" Danny must get what I'm feeling as Grace explains Mary's reasoning behind taking the toy.

"I'm good, D. I just didn't know Mary cared like that. By the time Dad sent us away, she was withdrawn and moody. Even with me."

"So the two of you were close?" Grace takes the action figure from my hand and straightens his clothes and his hat.

"Close enough."

"So, despite having a GI Joe, you went into the Navy." Danny plucks the action figure from Grace's hand.

"If you'll notice, he's dressed like a cop." I take him back from Danny. "I wanted to be a cop until Dad sent me to a military school that just so happened to have Navy ROTC. I liked what the Navy offered better." I shrug like it's no big deal that not only did my father send me away when I needed him most, but I no longer looked at Hawai'i as home and chose to travel the world instead of coming back here where I didn't feel welcome.

"Yeah, okay. But wasn't there a sailor in GI Joe?" I raise my brows and keep my expression blank. "Yeah, I get it." He shakes his head. "Next present, Grace."

When she goes to get one from under the tree, I stop her. "I have some in my seabag." I start to stand but she beats me to it. "No, Grace." I follow her to where I dropped my bag just inside the door and laugh softly at her struggling to move it. "Here, let me." I reach over her to pick it up one handed.

"Why's it so heavy?"

"Because it's full of all my gear."

"It must weigh more than me!" She skips back over to our place under the tree.

"About the same, I think." I sit down and she wiggles into my lap. Opening the bag, I pull out two packages, and hand one to her. "This one's for Danno."

"Here, Daddy." She hands it to him. 

"Thank you, Gracie." He takes the present from her and rips off the paper. His brows wrinkle in confusion as he turns the small wooden box over in his hands.

"Open it, Danny." I reach over and show him the latch. He opens it and the room is filled with the aroma of exotic coffees. "It's a selection of Turkish coffees."

"You…" He shakes his head, totally at a loss for words.

I shrug. "I know how you like your coffee so I thought you'd like to expand your palate."

"Thanks, Babe." He leans over and presses his lips to mine. "It's perfect."

"And now, for Baby Girl." I hand her the other present.

She tears into the wrapping, not caring that I spent way too much time making sure it was perfectly wrapped. Under the paper is a box similar to the one my present was in. She pulls back the flaps and frowns down at it. "Go on." I nudge her shoulder with one of mine.

She reaches inside and lifts out the doll that's dressed in the style of the women of Afghanistan. "Papa?" She turns to frown at me. 

"Sorry. Wasn't sure what to get. Thought they might have to be shipped home. This is what girls your age play with in Afghanistan."

"They dress like this?" She picks at the doll's clothes.

"They do. If you don't like it, I guess we could go get you something else."

"No! I like it. I could take it for show and tell."

"I was surprised they didn't send Mary your presents when they sent her all my other stuff. But I'm glad they didn't." 

"Yeah, well, Mary sent me almost all your stuff anyway, so." Danny shrugs one shoulder. "Next present, Monkey."

The next several minutes are spent with me watching Danny and Grace open presents. Danny gets several more ties and a couple of new dress shirts as well as a pair of swim trunks. "You need to learn to surf, Danno," Grace says matter of factly when Danny raises one eyebrow skeptically at her. I happen to agree and plan on getting him on a board in the coming year.

Grace gets books on marine biology, a recent obsession of hers, a couple of cookbooks, turns out she's getting interested in learning how to make Danny's favorite foods and a new swimsuit from Kono, a one piece per Danny's request.

We all make breakfast together, pancakes with bacon and eggs. Danny protests when Grace goes to sit in my lap. I want to tell him it's fine but decide I shouldn't contradict him in front of her. "We can snuggle more later, okay?" I promise, settling her in her own chair and ruffling her hair. She pouts at me but doesn't argue.

"When are Uncle Chin, Auntie Kono and Auntie Malia coming over?" Grace asks while we clean up.

"We've pushed it back to around 2."

"What?" I hand Grace a plate to dry.

She smiles up at me. "Daddy thought we should have our _ohana_ with us today. They were supposed to come around noon for lunch."

"Ah." Obviously Danny asked to push it back to give me time to rest.

"Yeah, so if you want another nap, now's your chance." Danny steps in close and presses a kiss to the side of my neck.

"I think I'd like to just veg on the couch with my two favorite people. Maybe watch some Christmas specials on TV."

Danny glances at the clock on the microwave and nods. "I think we have time for that." We'd better since it's only 10am and everyone's not expected until 2pm.

The kitchen clean, all three of us snuggle together on the couch with me in the corner, Danny tucked against my side and Grace sprawled across both our laps. We fall asleep somewhere during _The Santa Clause_ movie and wake to the sound of car doors slamming outside.

All of us groggily disentangle from each other and make our way out onto the front porch. Grace is still mostly asleep and clings to my leg until I pick her up. She lays her head on my shoulder and gives a tiny sigh of contentment and I know that given half a chance she'd be fast asleep again in no time.

"Steve!" Kono greets me with a huge grin and an enthusiastic hug; one that lingers a bit. Kono and I share a special bond; I am teaching her how to be a sniper, after all.

"Okay, Cuz, that's enough." Chin laughs and gently pries her from my embrace, then promptly engulfs me in his. "You had the _haole_ worried, Brah."

"So sorry. Did not mean to worry _him_." I chuckle, knowing he means it in the same way my father did when he'd tell me that my mother was worried when I was late or that she missed me when I was away at camp.

"Steve." Malia and I don't know each other well but she makes Chin happy and that's enough for me.

"Malia." I hug her too and notice that there's more of her than before. Pulling back, I look and sure enough there's a noticeable bump in her midsection. "You're expecting?" How could Danny not tell me?

"We are." Chin wraps one arm around her shoulders and tugs her closer. "Four months." He runs one hand protectively over her belly.

"We were going to name it Steve if it's a boy." Malia smiles lovingly up at Chin.

"No one says you can't still."

Chin shakes his head. "We don't name children after the living."

I shrug. "Makes a good middle name, too."

"Enough, Steve." Danny places both hands on my shoulders. "Let them pick the name. It's one of the fun things they can do together as a couple."

"Hey, Cuz." Kono takes Grace from my arms. "You get my present?"

"I did. It's real pretty."

Kono's dimples make an appearance when she smiles. "Shall we put it on and go play in the surf?"

"The beach is bound to be nothing but mud after that rainstorm this morning," Danny protests.

"It's fine, Danny. Part of the reason we have outdoor showers."

He turns to frown at me and I fear he just might rant about me overstepping myself but Grace derails it with a simple "Please, Danno" combined with the stuck out lower lip.

"Fine, _fine_!" He waves them away.

"Excellent!" Kono and Grace high five. "C'mon, Malia." Kono grabs Malia's arm and the three of them disappear into my house, their giggles lingering long after they're ensconced behind the door to Grace's room.

"Want a beer?" Danny asks Chin, leading the way back inside.

"I could go for a beer, yeah."

Danny and Chin continue on into the kitchen but I find myself unable to move past the foot of the stairs. This is the first time since my shower that Grace has been out of my sight and I find myself at a loss for what to do without her and Danny's grounding presence.

"Steve?" Danny's head pokes back out of the kitchen. "Babe, what's wrong?"

I shake my head. "Nothing." I can't keep my gaze off the upstairs landing, waiting for Grace's feet to appear.

"You know she's safe with everyone here, right?"

I nod. "Can't help it, though." I know he'll understand, he's her father after all.

He pats me on the arm. "C'mon. They may be a while. Being female and all." He leads me through the kitchen and out onto the lanai where Chin's already settled in a chair, sipping a Longboard.

"Everything okay, Steve?" Chin asks, concern heavy in his tone. "Danny told me about the TBI."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I snag a bottle from the cooler on the coffee table and sit myself in the one chair that boasts an excellent view of the door back into the house.

"For some reason he's finding himself overly protective of my daughter." Danny chuckles and sits in the chair closest to me.

"Not a bad thing, that; having a SEAL as your child's guard."

"Didn't say it was. Just never seen him like this, is all."

"You do know _he_ can hear you, right?" I hate being talked about like I'm not even there.

"Sorry, Brah." Chin takes another swig from his bottle. "Any ideas why you're feeling this way?"

"Maybe because she's barely left my side since this morning?"

"She missed you," Danny says softly.

"We _all_ missed you," Chin adds, his voice just as soft.

I nod my appreciation, feeling tears gathering again. Why do I always start crying when confronted by emotion?

"Papa!" Grace comes running out wearing a pretty pink and purple one piece swimsuit and carrying a bottle of sunscreen.

"Since when does she call you 'Papa'?" Chin asks Danny.

Grace crashes into my knees. "That's Danno!" She points at Danny. " _This_ is Papa!" She climbs up into my lap. "Put sunscreen on me, please." She hands me the bottle.

"Maybe you shouldn't encourage her." Chin raises his brows and looked pointedly at me.

"It's okay. Danno said so. Besides, Uncle Steve'll be my Papa for real when they marry."

"I never said we were getting married, Grace."

She pouts at him. "But you filled out the paperwork."

"For a domestic partnership. Different from a marriage which I doubt will ever happen. Right, Steve?"

"Hm?" I hum, rubbing some excess lotion off Grace's nose.

"You and Danno'll get married one day, right?"

"Steve, tell her it'll never happen." Danny talks over her.

The expression on her face matches how I feel. A look at Danny shows he's serious about us never getting married but I find I can't break Grace's heart again. "I don't know about _never_ , Danny. Most certainly not now."

Danny rolls his eyes. "Steve…" He begins but before he can say anything, Kono and Malia emerge from the house.

Kono's dressed in a barely there bikini and Malia's wearing a flattering tankini in difference to her pregnant belly. "Grace, you really shouldn't run off like that."

"It's okay, I knew Danno and Papa were out here with Uncle Chin."

"Papa?" Kono and Malia both turn to me to ask. I just shrug my shoulders as if to say 'What're ya gonna do?'

Kono holds one hand out to Grace. "C'mon, let's get in that water. Leave the adults here to talk." Grace pecks me on the cheek before sliding off my lap and skipping down the beach at Kono's side.

"Steve?" Danny reaches over and places one hand on my arm and suddenly I find it all to be too much.

Jumping to my feet I murmur an apology before bolting for the door back into the house and sprinting up the stairs to shut myself in the bedroom.

I sit on the edge of the bed, brace my hands on my knees and try to remember how to breathe. There seems to be no air in the room but I can't make myself get up and open the window.

"Steve?" Danny's voice filters in through the door. "Let me in, please."

"It's not locked."

He slowly opens the door and cautiously approaches where I'm sitting, trying to not give in to the building panic attack. "You okay?"

I shake my head. "This is bad, Danny."

"I know, Babe. I want to help. Tell me what I can do."

I close my eyes and two tears slide down my cheeks. "I don't think you can and that terrifies me."

I can hear the unspoken quip he wants to make in the silence of the room. I'm grateful that he gets the seriousness of the situation but also miss his snarky humor.

He sits on the bed next to me. Close enough to touch but not actually touching. "I'm here, Steve." I've never heard him use this particular tone of voice before but I find it comforting. It makes me feel protected. "I sent everyone home."

"What? No! Danny!" I turn to stare incredulously at him.

"It's for the best, Steve. I should have known it would be too soon." I shake my head. "You just returned home less than twenty-four hours ago after six months in that hell hole followed by four months in a hospital recovering from a serious head injury. I should have followed my gut and told Chin not to come."

"This has nothing to do with them being here." And it doesn't. Well, not all that much.

"Then what? Did you have another flashback?"

"No. Not a flashback."

"Then what!?" Danny throws his hands in the air and lets them fall back to his lap with a loud slap.

"It's nothing, D. Really." How can I tell him my panic attack is because of what he said? Would he even understand?

"Alright, don't tell me." He frowns at me. "I know I joke about you needing help but I really think you need to see someone about this."

I nod. "I have an appointment in the morning."

"Good." He starts to touch my arm but hesitates. "Can I touch you?" I nod and he runs his hand over my hair. "You know I love you, right? And want to help you get better. You tell your therapist that I'm willing to do whatever to make that happen." It's on the tip of my tongue to ask how he can say that he loves me after all but rejecting me in front of everyone. But I don't. Instead I nod my head and allow him to tug me closer so I can put my head on his shoulder.

"I think I should look into staying at the base or a hotel."

"Absolutely not."

"What if I have a flashback and hurt your or, God forbid, Grace? I couldn't live with myself If that happened."

"How about you stay here tonight and ask your therapist tomorrow if she thinks you should go elsewhere. We'll deal with it then, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay."

We sit there for several minutes, just being with each other. I find myself matching my breathing to his and it helps calm me further.

"Papa? Daddy?" Grace pokes her head warily into the room.

"Come in, Baby Girl." I hold one hand out toward her.

She bites her lip and tip-toes across the room to where we're sitting on the bed. "I'm sorry."

"For what, _Keiki_?" I pick her up and set her in my lap, fully expecting her to cuddle up against me. But she instead slouches on my knee and begins playing with a loose string on the hem of the shirt she's wearing as a cover-up.

"For causing you and Daddy to argue."

Danny and I blink at each other over her head. "We didn't argue, Monkey." Danny uses two fingers to tip her chin up so he can look her in the eye. "This has nothing to do with you or what you said." No, but it does have to do with what _Danny_ said.

Two big fat tears spill over her lower lids and slide down her cheeks. "You're sure?"

I gather her close. "Of course, Gracie Girl." I rock back and forth like one would with a fussy baby and press a kiss to her hair. Taking a deep breath, I decide to follow Danny's lead and treat her like an adult. "I have something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Plus I'm still recovering from a serious head injury. I'm all messed up in my own head right now. There isn't a thing in the world that you could do that would make me angry with you."

She sighs. "Okay." I'm nearly positive she doesn't believe me.

"I wasn't angry, Grace. Honest."

She pulls back to look at me. "Then why'd you run inside?"

"Because I needed to be alone for a while."

"Grace," Danny interrupts. "Steve has a disorder that is very serious and will cause him to not act like his normal self at times. We will just have to be patient with him. Can you do that?"

She nods. "How'd he get it?" She wrinkles her nose.

"There are many different ways to get PTSD. The doctors I spoke with in Germany think I've had it since my mother died."

"I'm sorry she died." Grace throws her arms around my neck and squeezes.

"It's okay, Grace. It was a long time ago. I may still miss her but being with you helps."

She shifts her grip to my waist and makes like she's settling in for a while but before she can get completely comfortable, my stomach rumbles, reminding me that I haven't eaten since early this morning.

"I guess we should have lunch," Danny says, standing from the bed.

A glance at the clock shows that we've been up here for over two hours. "Maybe we should make that dinner," I suggest, also standing and cradling Grace like a baby. With a mischievous grin, she lets her body go limp so that it looks like she's unconscious. When Danny notices he just rolls his eyes.

"Oh, no! King Danno, whatever will we do? It looks like Princess Grace has fallen under an evil spell that causes her to fall deeply asleep."

Grace chokes on a giggle and Danny pauses about half way down the stairs. Turning to me he raises one brow. "King Danno?"

I shrug. "From my bedtime story."

"Ah. Then this is your game. I'm staying out of it."

"Spoilsport." I stick my tongue out at his retreating back.

"I saw that, Steven!"

"Whatever." I look down at the little girl in my arms. "Only a kiss from her true love will break the spell. But where is he? Does he even know she needs him?" Grace again stifles a giggle.

"I was planning on burgers and hot dogs with Chin, Malia and Kono. Shall we fix that?" Danny asks when I enter the kitchen.

"Sure." I put Grace down on the table, arranging her like Snow White in her glass coffin. "Shall I try and kiss her to break the spell, King Danno?" Danny just turns and looks at me over his shoulder. "Right. I'm _your_ true love. Maybe if I… tickle her!" I attack her sides with my fingers and she squeals with laughter. After a few minutes she begs me to stop and then gets up and attacks me before I can even step back from the table.

I allow her to 'tackle' me to the floor where I curl up into a ball leaving only my sides exposed for her to tickle. I'm nearly breathless from my laughter when Danny picks her up off me and tosses her over his shoulder like a sack of flour.

He gives her bottom a playful slap. "You two are going to be the death of me. You know that, right?"

We both just laugh. "You know we love you, Danno." Grace kisses him on the cheek, back to her sweet self.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," he mutters, setting her down. "Help Steve up, then set the table."

We decide to eat on the lanai and spend a very enjoyable evening playing in the surf. Until it starts to rain, that is. We move inside and play some of the games Grace found in a closet back when she and Danny first moved in. Grace beats the pants off Danny and I in Monopoly and Life and is about to do the same in Uno when she yawns big enough for me to count her teeth.

"Time for all good girls to go to bed." Danny puts his cards down and starts picking up the discarded ones.

"But I'm winning!"

Danny and I share a look over her head and have a silent conversation that I'm sure parents the world over have on a nightly basis. "Okay, we'll finish this hand and then it's straight to bed, Monkey."

Grace beams at us and proceeds to smoke us, leaving us both holding at least one Draw Four, Wild and Double Wild card.

"She must have cheated," I mutter, picking the cards up off the table.

"If she did, she learned it from you." Danny blows a kiss my way to soften the harshness of his comment.

"Nuh-uh." Grace shakes her head. "Uncle Kamekona," she says when we just look at her.

"Of course," Danny and I say together.

"He is never watching her again," Danny says adamantly.

"Agreed." I nod my assent.

"I like Uncle Kamekona." Grace pouts.

"He teaches you bad things."

"But he makes delicious shrimp." She marches up the stairs when Danny waves her in that direction.

"Yes he does but he isn't the best influence on a young girl such as yourself." I reach around Danny to tweak a lock of her hair.

She gives what has to be the world's most put upon sigh and turns to face us from the bathroom doorway. " _Fine_. Don't let him watch me. Now if you don't mind-" She shoos us off with her hands. "-I think I can handle it from here. I'll call if I need any assistance." She then shuts the door in our faces.

"Well." Danny turns to face me, a stunned expression on his face. "Did that really just happen? Did my little girl just _reject_ me?"

I awkwardly pat his shoulder. "It was bound to happen sooner or later, D. You had to know that."

"Well, yeah, but I thought I had another two years - three tops - until it happened. She's only _ten_."

I shrug. "Don't know what to tell ya, Babe."

"What do I do now?" He looks so lost.

_"Wait somewhere else!"_ Grace shouts through the door.

I bite my lip to keep from laughing. "It's not funny, McGarrett," Danny hisses, stomping past me and into the bedroom.

"It kinda is." I sit down on the bed and prepare to engage in my favorite pastime: Ranting!Danno watching.

He mumbles to himself, pacing back and forth and waving his hands in the air. Occasionally I catch the words 'Grace' and 'too soon'. Every few steps he pokes his head out the door and looks in the direction of the bathroom.

He catches me off guard when he suddenly spins on his heel and marches up to where I'm sitting so he can shove his finger in my face. "This is all your fault!"

"I'm…sorry?"

"You got her all upset."

"Seemed to me she was having fun with me today."

" _Today_ , yeah. But before that you were _dead_."

"Oh, _that_. Pfft," I scoff, waving one hand as if swatting a fly. "I think she's just upset at having to go to bed and is punishing you the only way she can."

" _Oh, that,_ " he mocks me. "Really? _That's_ your response to us thinking you were dead for _four fucking months_!?"

"Danny…" I get up and wrap my arms around him.

He fists his hands in my shirt and lets all the emotion he's kept locked inside all day out. " _Four months_ , Steven." He shakes me a bit. "I thought you were dead."

"I know, Danny. I'm sorry. What did you want me to do? Call and say 'Hey, I'm _not_ dead but I don't want to see you'? Yeah, that would have gone over like a lead balloon and you know it. Way I saw it, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Figured you wouldn't mind my trying to get better _first_."

He wipes his cheeks with the backs of his hands. "You're right. I should be grateful you're alive. And I am! I swear. It's just hard to forget the past four months, is all."

I nod and pull him closer, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and burying my face in his hair. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, D. If I could, I'd take it all back."

"Take what back?"

"The past ten months. I'd go back to February and have that letter never get written."

"Can you tell me if you even completed the mission?"

"I didn't but I found out that another SEAL team did."

"Good." We stand there for a minute, just holding each other and breathing each other's scent.

"Who's tucking me in?" Grace interrupts the moment before it can go beyond the comforting stage.

"Me!" Danny and I say at the same time when we break apart.

She rolls her eyes. "Okay. Let's go."

We follow Grace across the hall and into her room. She crawls under the covers and Danny pulls them up to her chin, smoothing out any wrinkles before kissing her forehead. When he steps back, I take his place and tug the covers just a bit before also kissing her forehead.

"Want us to read you a story?" Danny asks looking over the few books stored on the bookshelf built into the window seat.

"Not tonight."

We both frown at her. "Want me to tell the one I made up, again?" I ask perching on the edge of the mattress.

She shakes her head. "Why not, Monkey?"

She shrugs. "Just don't want one. Is that a problem?"

"Not at all, Baby Girl. Sleep good, 'kay?" I brush a kiss to her cheek and get up, making my way to the door where I turn and watch Danny give Grace a hug and another kiss.

He smoothes his hand over her hair. "Love you, Monkey."

"Love you, too, Danno." She turns over and faces the wall, signaling that she's ready to go to sleep. Danny and I share a confused look but figure she has her reasons so we exit the room, turning off the light and closing the door behind us.

Back in my - _our_ \- room, we change for bed; Danny strips down to his boxers and a t-shirt and I pull on a pair of sleep pants. It's rather early for bed but we're both pretty tired from the emotional upheavals of the day. Once under the covers, we settle on our sides, facing each other.

Reaching out with one hand, I lightly trace his eyebrow. "This is what kept me going every day I was gone. Whenever I felt like giving up I'd just think of you and Grace and I'd have my reason for pushing forward."

Danny closes his eyes but not before I see an emotion that I'm not exactly sure of but that tells me he's not over my 'death' and probably won't be for a while to come. "Cath told me that you told her that I'm your home."

"And you are. Just like Gracie's yours. If you were to ever leave, I'd follow."

"Steve…" He opens his eyes and they're shiny with tears he's refusing to shed. I know what he's going to say and I can't let him.

"Don't, Danny. Please."

"Why? Tell me that."

"Because I need you like I need air. And if you tell me to not follow-" I stop to swallow the lump in my throat. "-it would kill me."

His brow wrinkles for a moment before he rolls his eyes. "Idiot," he mutters, a note of amusement in his tone. "That is not what I was going to say." Now it's my turn to be confused. "I was going to say that I don't plan on ever leaving you, ya big goof."

I give a sigh of relief. "Yeah?" He nods his head. "Good." I lean forward and press my lips to his. "Because if you did, I'm sure you'd have a lot of people chasing after you to bring you home where you belong."

"Good. I can't be expected to protect you all by myself."

"I do not need protecting." Now I'm offended.

He snorts. "Says the man with a TBI."

"Yeah, whatever." I snuggle down until I can press my face against his chest. "Can we go to sleep now?"

He kisses the top of my head. "Yeah." He rolls until he's on his back with me draped over his torso. "Danno loves you," he whispers, sweeping his right hand down my back from shoulder to hip.

"Love you, too," I say around a big yawn. 

Rubbing my face against his chest much like a contented cat would when scent marking, I close my eyes and allow sleep to pull me under.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning I wake up with Danny curled against my chest with his arms wrapped around my waist, his legs tangled with mine and his head tucked under my chin. The warm weight of him pressed against me and his smell has my dick stirring. 

Deciding to wake him gently, I begin pressing kisses into his hair before scooting down enough to brush my lips across his forehead, over his closed eyes and down his cheeks to his lips. They touch, cling, break part and then go back for more.

He begins returning my kisses before he's even half-way awake. With a small moan, he shifts closer, throwing one leg over my hip and rocking his hips against mine. 

"That's one way to wake up," he mutters when I turn my attention to the skin under his chin.

"Mm," I hum in response. I've been thinking of this moment for over two years.

"How are you today?" His question gives me pause. It is definitely unexpected at this moment in time. I mean, I'm trying to seduce him and he wants to know how I'm feeling?

I pull back and frown at him. "Why do you ask?"

"Because you're not emotionally recovered enough for this."

I pull even further back, almost out of his arms. "When did you get a degree?"

Danny sighs. "Steve, I don't need a degree to see you're hurting; emotionally and physically. We don't have to go there at this time. We can take our time. Like I had planned eleven months ago."

"I'm tired of waiting, Danny. I love you. I'm ready to show you that."

"Oh, Babe, you do show me. Not having sex doesn't make it any less true. We'll get there. Please have some patience."

"I'm trying, D. I've wanted this for so fucking long." I scoot closer and rest my forehead against his.

"I know, Babe. I know. But I want to make sure you're completely ready for this. How about you ask your therapist what she thinks and we just follow her advice about this."

"Yeah, okay. But in the meantime…" I wiggle my eyebrows pulling a laugh from him.

"Yeah, we can go back to what we were doing back before D-Day."

Cupping his cheek in the palm of my hand, I lean forward until I can press my lips to his. Our kisses start chaste and slowly increase in intensity and passion. He wraps his hand around my wrist, rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand.

I start to roll over to my back, pulling him on top of me when Grace says, "Ew. That's just gross."

We pull apart and look over at the door. "You're supposed to knock, Monkey."

With her face completely blank, she reaches up and raps her knuckles against the doorframe. "Next time maybe you should shut the door, hm?"

Danny points at her. "You, young lady, are much too young to be so darn snarky."

She shrugs. "At least I come by it honestly." I bite my lip to keep from laughing. "Right, Papa?" She turns to me and raises her eyebrows

I hold my hands up. "Leave me out of this, Baby Girl."

"Big meanie." She climbs up on the bed and settles down between us. "What are we doing today?"

"I have a doctor's appointment at 9."

"Then you should probably start getting ready. It's after 7." While she has a point, it'll be slightly difficult seeing as how she's using me as a mattress.

"For me to do that, you're gonna have to move." I tug on a lock of her hair.

She stacks her hands on my chest, props her chin on top and pouts at me. "Do I hafta?"

"Yeah, Baby Girl. This is one appointment I can't miss."

"Will you be gone long?" Danny asks while lifting Grace off me.

"No idea. Most sessions last an hour, right? So I'd say an hour and a half to two hours."

"Want to meet downtown for lunch?"

I roll from the bed and grab some clothes on my way to the bathroom. "Sure. You pick the place and let me know. 'Kay?"

"Okay." Danny ushers Grace from the room, leaving me alone to get dressed.

About five minutes later and I'm dressed and downstairs eating breakfast with Danny and Grace before heading out to Tripler and my first appointment with a psychologist. I have difficulty talking about important things and so don't hold much stock in someone who makes their living forcing people to talk about their innermost feelings and thoughts.

"Just remember this is for your own good." Danny presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth before sending me on my way with a swat to my ass.

"Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Just so long as you do it."

"Love you, Papa!" Grace throws her arms around my waist and squeezes tight.

"Love you too, Baby Girl." I bend down and press a kiss to the top of her head.

This is really not something I want to do but since it's something that needs to be done I'm going to do it. The drive to Tripler is one of the longest of my life and I feel like I'm heading to my execution.

I've never been to a therapist office and so am a bit surprised to find the waiting room empty and no receptionist to greet me. A sign next to the door in the opposite wall tells me to press a button to announce my arrival and then have a seat. I press the button and take a seat, picking up a copy of Newsweek that's several months old. Flipping through the glossy pages, I try and ignore the building impatience.

After about ten minutes, the door opens and an unassuming thirty-something woman, her black hair pulled back in a severe bun with a pair of drug store readers perched on her nose and dressed in a tailored suit, the pencil skirt just barely skimming her knees, smiles at me. Holding out one hand she asks, "Commander McGarrett?"

Standing I take her hand in mine. "Steve, please. Dr. Anderson?"

"Please call me Julie." She steps back and waves me into her office. "Please have a seat."

"Anywhere in particular?" Her office is tastefully decorated in blues and greens with soothing lighting coming from the large windows and strategically placed lamps.

"Anywhere's fine. Except for the desk area." I turn and frown at her. "I find it more relaxing to sit in the sitting area next to the windows." She extends one arm in that direction. I make my way over to the grouping of chairs and one couch. Skirting around the couch, I sit in the chair closest to the window and startle a little when I sink into the plush cushion. "Good choice. That happens to be the comfiest chair in here."

"It is comfy." I do my best to relax. This woman only wants to help me get better. She is most definitely _not_ the enemy.

She takes a seat in the chair opposite, crosses one leg over the other and holds her pen poised over a legal pad. "So, why don't you start by telling me why you're here?"

"Uh, well…" I run my hand along the back of my neck, hesitant to speak for fear of breaking confidentiality.

She smiles as if she knows what I'm thinking and her next words prove she does. "Don't worry about confidentiality, Steve. I've been read in on all your missions. Wouldn't be able to truly help otherwise."

I nod. What she said makes sense. "Well, ten months ago I was recalled to active duty to assist with a mission. Only reason I was recalled is because I had tracked this particular target before. Then four months ago my men and I were lead into an ambush. I was the only survivor and I suffered a TBI. While recovering in Germany the doctors began to suspect I might also have PTSD."

"A very common thing these days. And not just in returning soldiers. Plenty of civilians also suffer from it."

"Yeah, so they said."

"A soldier with your extensive kill list is bound to suffer from it. At least a little."

"They think I've had it since my mom died when I was sixteen."

She's been scribbling on her pad since I began talking but now she pauses and looks up at me. Guess that's not in my file. "Were you with her when she died?"

"No. I'm the one who answered the door when the cops made the notification."

"I'm sorry about that, Steve."

I shrug. "Dad was finishing dinner. Mom was late. Sometimes when she ran late she'd knock on the door like a guest."

"Were you close with her?"

"All four of us were sort of close."

"Four?"

"I have a younger sister, Mary Ann. She lives in LA, now."

"Do you see her often?" 

"Not as often as I should. But I do talk to her at least a couple times a week."

"Good." She makes more notes, pausing to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind her ear and push her glasses up her nose. "When's the last time you saw her?"

"Last year. She was here for Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"That's good." She looks up and smiles. "I want to talk about your mom's death."

Tears are threatening again and I clench my jaw to keep from showing that weakness. "I don't want to."

She blinks, almost like she didn't expect me to refuse. "I'll let it go. For now. But to fully heal you are going to have to talk about it. You do want to get better, right?"

I nod. "I _have_ to get better."

She tilts her head, her brow crinkled in confusion. "Why's that?"

"For Danny. And Grace."

"And who are they?"

"My partner and his daughter."

"Let's see…" She flips open a file folder. "That would be detective Daniel Williams, your partner and second in command of the task force you lead, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me about them."

I find myself wanting to refuse again but ignore the urge. _Julie's on my side. She's not the enemy,_ Danny's voice whispers in my head. "Danny's a loud mouthed _haole_ from New Jersey. Only reason he's here is Grace. She's the center of her father's world. He dotes on her and she loves him just as much."

"And you?"

"What about me?"

"Do you dote on her?"

I duck my head, feeling a blush coming. "I try not to."

"Why? If she's special enough for you to want to get better for, then surely she's special enough for you to dote on."

"She's not my kid. Although I couldn't love her anymore if she was." I pause to look out the window to my right and try to get my emotions back under control. "See, I had decided I'd never have any kids of my own so I had little use for them. But then I met Grace and well, she has a way of worming into your heart and taking up residence. So, yeah. I probably dote on her more than I should."

"Again I have to ask why. If you're dating her father then surely it's not a bad thing?"

Panic flares in my breast causing my heart to start pounding. "I never said Danny and I are dating."

"You didn't have to, Steve. Your face and eyes soften when you talk about the two of them. Please remember that this is a safe space. Everything said here is confidential. And even if it wasn't, Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed over a year ago."

"I know. It's just…" My voice trails off and I take a deep breath. "We'd just started when I received my orders."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. And after a lifetime of repressing and denying…" I shrug and shake my head. "I've only told a few people. It feels too fresh, too new, too… fragile to just admit outright."

"Have you encountered any negative responses?"

"No. So far everyone I've told has seemed truly happy for us. Some have expressed surprise that I like men as well as women but so far no one has said anything negative."

"Good." She makes some more notes and checks her watch. "When did you realize that you're attracted to men and women?"

This is almost as difficult for me to talk about as anything to do with my mom. I get up and pace to the window, staring blindly out at the Hawaiian landscape. "I've played football all my life. By the time I was old enough to play full tackle I was better than the other kids my age, and bigger too, so I was put on a team with older boys. Most of them were further along in puberty than me.

"When I was twelve I discovered that girls were no longer as yucky as they once were. That fall I was dismayed when I had the same reaction to the boys in the locker room after practice.

"My dad was a straight laced by-the-book cop. I'd overheard him several times talking trash about homosexuals." I spin to face her. "I know I'm not gay, didn't know _then_ of course, but there's no way he would have accepted me being bi-sexual.

"I quickly learned how to not have a physical reaction when in the same room with a bunch of naked guys." I walk back to my chair and flop down in it. "And then Mom died and Dad sent Mary and me away. She went to stay with Mom's family and I was sent to Dad's friend, Joe, who put me in military school." Shaking my head I lean back in the chair. "By then DADT was in full force. Repress and deny became my motto. From high school I went straight into Annapolis, then the SEALs. When President Obama repealed DADT last year, well, I knew I should say something to Danny but decided that New Year's would be better."

"That's actually quite romantic."

"That's what Cath said."

"Who's Cath?"

"Lieutenant Catherine Rollins, Naval intelligence. You could say if I hadn't ever met Danny she'd be the person I'd spend the rest of my life with."

"You had a romantic relationship with her?"

I laugh softly. "Romantic? No. Physical? Hell yes. Whenever we could get leave together we'd hole up in a hotel somewhere. We finally ended it for good after I met Danny."

"And she's okay with that?"

I shrug. "She wants me to be happy. Being with Danny makes me happy."

She nods. "She sounds like a good friend."

"She is. She's also been my support on more than one mission."

"Is that how you met?"

"No. We met in a bar in Bangkok."

"Tell me more about Grace. I'm guessing her mother's here."

"Yeah. After Rachel divorced Danny she married a man who builds hotels. His company transferred him here. Danny moved as soon as he could so he could be involved in his daughter's life."

"What do Grace and Rachel think of you relationship with Danny?"

"Grace loves it. She's been calling me Uncle Steve for over a year and now that Danny and I are filing for domestic partnership status, she calls me Papa."

Julie smiles at me. "And Rachel?"

"Well, Rachel does things she thinks are in Grace's best interest without thinking of how they affect Danny."

"Stop deflecting, Steve. How does Rachel feel about your relationship with her ex husband?"

I squirm a bit in my seat. The truth is that despite what she says, I'm pretty sure Rachel wouldn't hesitate to use me against Danny is she felt she needed to. "She says she's fine with it. She's known that Danny's bi-sexual since before they married."

Julie gives me a shrewd look, almost as if she knows I'm not saying everything I'm thinking. "As much as I'd love to call you on that, our time's up." She flips the folder in her lap closed and stands. "I've enjoyed speaking with you today. I look forward to finding out more tomorrow."

I stand and take her hand to shake it. "How long do I have to come every day?"

"A while." She turns to escort me to the door.

"Not an answer, Doc." The door she leads me out of is not the door I entered through.

"But it is the one you're getting right now. Have patience, Steve. These things take time."

I take a deep breath and release it slowly. "I know. It's just…" I chew my lip, trying to find the words. "I had a flashback in front of Grace yesterday. I know it scared her. I don't want to do that ever again."

Julie nods and places one hand on my arm. "I totally understand. But one doesn't recover from PTSD. And it takes time to learn how to control the triggers and reactions. Please have faith and patience, okay?"

Nodding my head I step out into the hall. "Yeah, okay. Oh, quick question. Danny moved into my house when they thought I was dead and Grace is with him right now. Should I stay somewhere else?"

"Are either of them a trigger for you?"

"No. They seem to keep me grounded. I just don't want Grace seeing me having a flashback."

"I see no reason for you to move out. Have you told them about the PTSD?" I nod. "Then just remind them, Grace in particular, to move slowly around you and to not sneak up on you."

"Okay." I turn to walk away.

"Oh, and Steve?" I pause and turn back. "No sex for right now."

I swallow a groan. Leave it to me to find a shrink who doesn't think sex is helpful. "Really?"

"Yes. You're emotionally fragile right now and sex is so emotionally complex that I feel it'll hinder more than help. If you keep talking to me like you did today, you should be able to resume normal activities soon."

Sighing deeply, I let me shoulders slump. "Okay. No sex. It's been so long I've probably forgotten how anyways."

She chuckles. "See you tomorrow. _Aloha_."

"Yeah, _Aloha_ ," I mutter, giving a sarcastic wave over my shoulder as I walk away down the hall toward the elevator.

A text from Danny, left during my session, lets me know that Grace is in the mood for Kamekona's shrimp so I point the truck in that direction. There are so many emotions swirling just beneath the surface that I'm glad she wants to eat outside. I'm starting to find the cab of my truck a tad claustrophobic and I know I'd find a restaurant full of people doubly so.

Pulling into a spot at the beach, I don't step down from the cab so much as fall out. My vision's starting to blur a bit at the edges and I'm afraid I'm having a flashback. Or about to have one. Except it doesn't feel like the ones I've had before.

Danny takes one look at my face when I join him and Grace in line at Kamekona's truck and sends Grace off to finds us a table. "You okay, Babe?"

I shake my head. "Not really."

"You need to go home?"

I shake my head hard, doing my best to keep the flashback, or whatever it is, at bay. "Need the open space."

Danny opens his mouth to respond but we're next in line and Kamekona asks, "What can I get for you fine gentlemens today?"

"We'll take one Gracie Special and two Ninja SEAL Specials," Danny answers, pulling out his wallet.

"I'll bring that out to yous when it's done." With a nod, we turn to join Grace at the table she's picked but Kamekona calls me back. "McGarrett. Glad you're not dead."

"Thanks, Kamekona."

When we get to the table, Danny goes to sit next to Grace but she pushes him away. "No, Danno! I want Papa to sit here." Danny looks at me with an expression that tells me he wants to refuse and tell her why but I shake my head and sit on the bench next to her.

And instantly regret it.

She wraps one hand around my forearm near my elbow and leans her head against my shoulder. My internal alarms are already screaming at me to run, fight, _kill_ and the instant she touches me they intensify. Luckily the side of me that is all about her protection is louder, stronger, more dominant. It tells me to just get away before I hurt her; that harming her is _not_ an option. But another side of me is insisting that I need to be near her; not just to make sure she comes to no harm, but to also keep me in the here and now. Her touch, her smell, even the sound of her voice calls to me and has me fighting to come back from wherever it is I've gone.

My entire body stiffens and I close my eyes, clenching and unclenching my fists.

Danny, bless him, senses my distress. "Grace, Monkey, remember what Papa told you yesterday?" I feel her nod against my arm. "Well, this is one of those times he needs you to slowly move away, okay?"

She begins to uncurl her fingers in preparation of moving away but before I can even think of it, my right hand clamps down over hers where it's resting on my forearm. "Need…her…" I manage to grit out through clenched teeth.

"Steve?" Danny sounds concerned. Is that concern for me or Grace?

"Grounded."

"She's keeping you grounded?"

I manage to nod. "Please…" God! I hate how weak and pathetic I sound.

"It's okay, Babe, we got you." Danny's solid presence at my right side calms me some but not enough.

My heart feels like it's about to beat right out of my chest and I can't seem to catch my breath. Grace presses closer against my arm and I hear her sniff. Great, now I'm scaring her again and that is what I didn't want to do.

"We'll take those orders to go!" Danny calls to Kamekona before wrapping one hand around my right bicep. "We're here, Steve. Just try and breathe, okay?"

I take another hitching breath and feel two tears slide down my cheeks. A loop of a bomb exploding, sending bodies flying in all directions is playing behind my closed lids. The faces are a mixture of my men, Danny, Grace, Chin and Kono. They all die because of me.

"Hey, Brah. He okay?" Kamekona's deep voice startles me.

"He'll be fine." Danny lets go of my arm and in my mind's eye I see him standing and taking the bag with our food from Kamekona.

"You take care of him, okay?"

"We will." Danny's hand lands gently on my shoulder but I still flinch at the unexpected touch. "Sorry, Babe. Think you can walk to the car?" I nod. "Good. Up ya go." He helps me stand.

I manage to pry my eyes open and look down into Grace's upturned face. While there is fear in her eyes, there's also love and concern. I try to give her a reassuring smile but don't think I'm even the least bit successful.

Danny begins leading me toward where he parked and I can hear him on his phone asking Chin and Kono to come get my truck. A flicker of worry about how they're going to drive it home when I have the keys flares briefly before images of all the innocent deaths I'm responsible for kills it.

I have no memory of Danny getting us all in the car or of us leaving the beach. I rise above the flashback, or whatever it is, long enough to realize we're headed home. Danny's touch and his whispered "You are not to blame" keep me there until the house is in view.

Danny pulls into the drive and turns the car off. "Grace, Monkey, go inside and up to your room, please." He gets out and lets her out of the backseat before coming around to open my door.

"Can you walk?" My vision clears enough for me to see Danny crouched in the open door. I give a jerky nod, not entirely sure it's the truth. "Good. I doubt I can carry your gigantic self inside."

"Not…inside…please…" My breathing speeds up at the thought of being surrounded by four walls and my heart kicks into a higher gear.

"Okay. The beach?" When I nod, Danny stands and wraps one hand around my upper arm to help me climb out of the car.

He guides me around the side of the house, never once letting go of my arm. When our feet sink into the sand of the beach, I kick off my shoes and somehow manage to pull off my socks before stumbling from his grasp and down to the water's edge.

With a wounded sound, I fall to my knees, fisting the sand in my hands, doing my best to convince myself that this is not the sand of the Afghan desert.

After a minute, I feel Danny's arms wrap around me on my left. Then a second of two later Grace embraces me from the right. I try and force her to leave but she refuses to budge and the…whatever this is, is too powerful for me to ignore the pull of any longer.

I have no idea how long the three of us have been kneeling on the beach when a particularly violent shiver from Grace breaks through the fog clouding my brain. It is noticeably colder now than when I first collapsed to my knees and the sun is sitting low in the sky making it clear that hours have passed.

Turning a bit to my right, I pull Grace into my arms, doing my best to share my body heat with her. "All better, Papa?" Her teeth are chattering, she's so cold.

"Getting there." I bury my nose in her hair.

"Think we can go somewhere a tad more comfortable?" Danny asks and guilt flares at the thought that he's been kneeling here for hours on his bum knee.

"Yeah, sure." I stand easily with Grace still in my arms. "Need help, Danno?"

"Just let me pull myself up on your arm." I hold one hand out and brace myself to counter his shifting to his feet. Once fully upright, he proceeds to dust the sand from all our clothes. "Grace, go pick out something for dinner, 'kay?" He takes her from me and shoos her toward the house.

"You should have made her eat something."

"I did. She ate her lunch, And yours." My lips twist into what I can only hope is a smile.

Danny runs the fingers of one hand along my hairline at my temple. "You know you can always talk to me, right?"

"That's what my shrink's for." As the world comes back into focus, I find myself reacting to his nearness and decide to not fight it. Surely Julie's just being overly cautious by telling me to not engage in sexual activities at this time. I want him, have wanted him for over two years, and I'll be damned if I'm going to wait any longer. I start nuzzling under his chin and nipping a bit at that spot at the corner of his jaw that makes him release a breathy little moan.

"Steve…" He pushes me away half-heartedly. "I mean, if you ever need to talk and can't get to her."

I just shake my head. "Thanks for the offer, D but I'm gonna have to respectfully decline. Too close, emotionally."

"Okay." He swats at my hands where they're playing with the buttons on his jeans. "Steve."

"Danny."

He rolls his eyes. "What'd she say about sex?"

"Didn't ask her." At least that's the truth.

"You need to." Giving up on slapping my hands away, he steps out of my reach. "We are not doing this until she says we can."

Anger flares white hot deep in my belly and I lash out. "You just don't want me and are using this as your excuse."

He gapes at me. "Have you lost your mind? Me, not want you?" He shakes his head. "You have no idea how much I want you, Steve." He steps closer and takes my face in his hands. "I regret so very fucking much not giving in eleven months ago. But the past is the past. And if we're going to have an emotionally stable relationship you have to get better, _first_. Do as the doctor says and it'll happen. Okay?"

"No! Not okay." I pull roughly from his grip and have to clench my hands into fists to resist the urge to punch him in the face. "You don't get it, Danny. I _need_ you!"

His face softens. "I do get it, Steve. And I need you, too. But the fact remains that I think having actual intercourse will do more harm than good."

"How can making love cause me harm?"

"Because I do not have a healing cock, Steve, much as I wish that were the case." He tilts his head and makes imploring motions with his hands. "Please trust me when I tell you that I'd love nothing more than to take you upstairs and introduce you to the joys of gay sex. But it's not gonna happen. Not now at any rate. Okay?"

Shaking my head, convinced he's just throwing words at me to keep me distracted for whatever reason, I march into the house, through the kitchen, totally ignoring Grace and up to my room where I angrily pace back and forth the length of the room.

"Steve." Danny enters the room and closes the door behind him. "What's wrong?"

"You!" I fling one arm out in his direction. "And your refusal to fuck me!" My chest heaves as I try and get air into my lungs. Suddenly I feel as if there's not enough oxygen in the room. And of course it's all Danny's fault. "Either fuck me or get out!" I scream, spittle flying from my lips.

Danny appears shocked by my outburst but he recovers quickly. "Oh, hell to the fuck no!" He stomps to where I'm standing near the bathroom and gets right in my face, his finger almost touching my nose. "Whatever you're going through is my problem, too. We're in this together but I'll be damned if I'll let you give me an ultimatum. You're not well, Steve. Let me help."

"You want to know how you can help?" My hand whips out and clamps on his upper arm. "You can start by not being a fucking tease and fuck me!" His eyes go wide and I can see fear creeping in but I don't let that stop me. I'm on a roll here. "You say you want me and yet we've never gone past mutual blowjobs. So stop dicking around with me and fuck me!"

"My God, Steven. You have a one track mind there." When he goes to step back, I tighten my hold on his arm. "Steve, you're hurting me." He tries to pry my fingers off but that just makes me clench them even tighter. "You're fucking hurting me, Steve!"

Something in his tone or face finally breaks through my rage and I look down at where I'm grasping his arm, startled at the white knuckled grip. I instantly let go and stumble back until I hit the wall and then I slowly slide down until I'm sitting with my knees pulled up to my chest.

Danny rubs his arm, rotating his shoulder while trying, and failing, to hide a wince. I can see the instant he realizes that something is seriously wrong with me.

"Steve!" Danny falls to his knees in front of me, his hands hovering over my knees like he's afraid of what I'll do if he touches me.

Tears stream down my face; I can't catch my breath, my heart is beating like I've just run a marathon, the only thing I can see is my fist clenched white knuckle tight around his arm, my fingers leaving bruises. "You have to leave, Danny." I manage to get the words past the lump in my throat. "Take Grace and go!"

"If you think I'm leaving you alone like this, you're certifiable."

I give a huff of humorless laughter. "So you've said before."

He rolls his eyes. "Must not be that bad if you can make jokes." I raise my eyes to his and whatever he sees in them has him biting back a curse. "Do you need your therapist?"

"Don't know."

He nods. "I'm gonna say yes. You have her card?" I just blink at him and he sighs before digging through my pockets. "At least you're wearing jeans today." He comes up with a business card from my right front pocket. "Be right back," he says, standing up. He doesn't go far, though. Just paces the room while talking on his cell. "Is this Dr. Julie Anderson? My name's Danny Williams. I believe you have a Steve McGarrett as a patient? Yes, yes, I know you can't say because of confidentiality, _however_ , I just took your card from his pocket. He's in a bad way. Not sure. Do you make house calls? Perfect. Yes, the address in his file. Thank you."

He takes a deep breath after disconnecting the call then pushes a speed dial number. "Kono? Danny. Ha, ha. Not the time for jokes. I need you to come get Grace for a while. Not sure. I'll explain when you get here. Just hurry, okay? I'll tell Grace you asked to keep her for a bit so Steve and I can have some time to reconnect. Absolutely not. No surfing allowed. Thanks."

Dropping the phone on the bed, he once again appears in front of me. "Babe? I need to get Grace ready for her extended stay at Casa Kalakaua. Will you be okay for a few minutes?" I give a jerky nod and he sighs. "Just a few minutes more and you'll have me all to yourself, okay?" I nod again and he stands up, one hand hovering over my knees again before it closes in a fist and with a sound of frustration he leaves me alone.

My brain's screaming at me to leave; to run; get away before I hurt Gracie like I hurt Danny but my body refuses to obey and so I sit there huddled in on myself, picturing what could have - _would_ have - happened had he not been able to get through to me. I was going to either punch him in the face or rape him. Or both. And neither is good. Most especially with Grace in the house.

After a few minutes I hear Grace's high pitched voice raised in anger, followed by Danny's deeply accented one answering in kind. They must be arguing about her going to stay with Kono. It's almost enough to have me get up and tell him to not bother; that she obviously needs him more. But again, I find my body refusing to move.

Their voices get louder, telling me that the argument has carried them up the stairs on their way to Grace's room to pack for Kono's. _"I thought you liked spending time with Kono."_ Danny sounds at his wit's end.

_"Not when Papa's just got home. He was gone almost a year, Danno."_

He sighs. _"I know exactly how long he was gone, Monkey, which is why we want to spend some time alone to reconnect. Besides, you'll have much more fun with Kono."_

_"But Papa needs me!"_ Grace has her father's stubborn streak.

_"He has me!"_

_"I still don't want to go!"_

_"I'll let Kono take you surfing."_

Grace laughs. _"Bribes, Danno?"_ There's a pause, then Grace asks, _"Does he want me to go away?"_ in a small voice. It breaks my heart that she thinks that.

_"Oh, no, Monkey. It's nothing like that. Kono called and wants to spend some time with you. Thought you might be missing female attention and that Steve and I might want some alone adult time."_

_"Oh. What if I don't want to spend the night?"_

_"Then you don't have to. But I'd rather you make that decision later. Okay?"_

_"Fine."_ Grace says the word the same way Mary does when talked into doing something she really doesn't want to.

_"It'll be fine, you'll see."_

_"I'm holding you to the surfing thing."_

Danny sighs. _"Of course you are."_

I hear Grace's door close and sit there on the floor trying to remember how to breathe. And trying to forget the look on Danny's face as I gripped his arm so tight I know I had to have left bruises. After a few minutes I hear Danny and Grace chattering, good natured arguing about surfing, as they make their way back downstairs just as someone, Kono most likely, knocks on the door.

Danny gives Kono some last minute instructions, a feeble attempt to take back the surfing bribe and general safety concerns. Kono's musical laughter floats up the stairs when Grace calls Danny on his backpedaling about letting Kono take her surfing. He really should just give it up. Grace is Hawaiian now. Surfing's not in her blood like it is a native's but she's adapted well.

Grace shouts "Bye!" and I hear the door close, then Danny jogging up the stairs. His presence in the room is reassuring and calming. I can feel my breathing slowing, my heartbeat returning to normal. "Steve?" I open my eyes to see him crouched once more in front of me. "The doc should be here soon. What do you need from me?"

"Just… you…" God, I hate how weak I sound; how helpless I feel.

"Can I touch you?" I nod and he instantly enfolds me in his arms. With a grunt, he settles on his butt with me all but curled in his lap. "I'll have to go let the doctor in when she gets here, ya know."

I nod and curl tighter, taking up as little space as possible. How can he comfort me after what I did? Why isn't he pissed?

By the time a knock sounds on the door, I'm feeling a bit more in control, although not enough to tell Danny to send the doctor away. "I have to let her in," he whispers against my hair. I shift enough for him to get up and immediately regret letting him go.

The feeling of being trapped increases, I can't catch my breath again, my heart begins pounding so hard it hurts but I still can't make my body obey my command to run away so I wedge myself into the corner near the bathroom and wrap my arms around my raised knees; hiding my face in them. 

Danny enters the room, his presence once again something I can almost touch. "Steve?" he calls, not able to see me in my corner because of the dresser. "God, Babe!" he exclaims when he gets into the room enough to see around the huge piece of furniture.

"Detective, if you please?" I raise my head enough to see Julie shooing Danny away. My anger returns. If she's going to keep him from helping me, then I'll just have to find another doctor. She settles on her knees in front of me. "Steve? Can you focus on me?" I look over at her but my gaze darts right back to Danny. "Detective?" She extends one arm behind her toward Danny without looking at him.

"It's Danny." He steps up and sits down cross-legged next to her. "You okay, Babe?"

"I know you're trying to help, Danny, but for now, could you please not talk to him? I need to get him to follow me out of these attacks and if he gets used to you being around, I won't be able to do it when we're alone."

"Okay. Sorry."

She turns to smile at him. "No worries. Now, how long has he been like this?"

"Like this? Since just before I called you."

She frowns. "What brought it on?"

"You're asking me? You're the doctor." She tilts her head and Danny sighs. "I have no idea what you two talked about in his session but it must have triggered _something_ because by the time he joined my daughter and I for lunch he was looking a bit wild eyed. He said he needed the openness of the beach, Grace _loves_ Kamekona's shrimp. When he sat down next to her she did what she always does: she cuddled up next to him. He…freaked, for want of a better word. I managed to get us home and he insisted on going to the strip of beach behind the house. Grace and I held him until he seemed to come out of it.

"When I sent Grace inside he started coming on to me and when I refused he accused me of not wanting him. He blew up and came up here. I followed. We had words and he grabbed my arm."

"How tight did he grab you?"

Danny sighs and looks at me. I give a tiny nod and he lifts the left sleeve of his shirt, turning to show Julie and I the finger shaped bruises on his upper arm. "I know he didn't mean it."

"You are not helping, Detective." Julie's tone is that of a mother scolding her mischievous child. Danny glares at the back of her head. Somewhere deep inside, I find it hilarious. "Now, Steve,-" Julie seems intent on ignoring Danny's presence. "-why did you grab Danny's arm hard enough to leave bruises?"

I shake my head. "Don't know."

"Did you want to hurt him?"

I close my eyes trying to stop the tears from falling. "Yes." Pulling my knees tighter against my chest, I wait for the explosion. Surely Danny will want to repay like for like.

"Why? Did Danny hurt you?" To give Danny his due, he doesn't so much as sputter in outrage at the suggestion he might have hurt me first.

Panic flare that his silence means he's left so I open one eye to look. Relief floods me when I see him sitting there, biting his lip so hard I'm afraid he'll make it bleed. "Yes." His face falls and two tears run down his cheeks at my answer. I know I'm still hurting him but I have to be honest with Julie or I won't get better. And I _have_ to get better. For Grace. And for Danny, too.

Julie shoots a look at Danny but he's not looking at her. He's looking at me. "How did he hurt you, Steve?"

"He rejected me."

"You or your advancements?"

"My advancements." _Might as well have been me._

She nods. "I see. How did that make you feel?"

_My first response was that he rejected me so how do you think that made me feel?_ "Pissed. Abandoned. Unwanted. Unlovable. Unloved." The rage is building again, but I refuse to let it off its leash. "I wanted to punch his face but knew that wouldn't be a good thing so I walked away. He followed. I lashed out."

"Thank you for being honest." Julie scoots around until she can look at us both without turning her head too much. "Danny? How did hearing that make you feel?"

"Sad. Like a jerk." He pauses and runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm not usually at a loss for words but I am right now." He gives a deep sigh. "I've never loved someone the way I love Steve. We both kept our distance because of him being in the military at first. Then I just didn't think he felt the same. I really wish I had slept with him back before he was deployed."

"The root of this has nothing to do with that." Julie looks at me. "May I tell him what we talked about this morning? I nod. "Steve has abandonment issues, which I'm sure you already knew." She pauses and looks thoughtful for a few seconds. What do you know about his injury?"

"Just that he was hit on the head hard enough to knock him unconscious. The next thing he remembers is waking up in the hospital in Germany."

"It's my belief that, even though they all died, he feels abandoned by his team. He was left for dead by the men who attacked them. Doesn't matter that it was the enemy. Just the fact that he was left _behind_."

"Are you saying I should have taken him to bed? In his current emotional state?"

"No, I'm not saying that at all. I told Steve that sex was off limits for now. Apparently he chose to ignore my advice." She throws a glare my way but I refuse to feel guilty.

"What happens now?" I can sense Danny's frustration at not being able to help me more than he is.

"Now, I sedate him. He needs sleep and in his current state he's going to fight it." She leans over and grabs her bag. "Is your daughter here right now?"

"No, I had a friend come get her for a few days."

Julie nods. "Steve? This is only to help you relax enough to sleep. I'd like to put you on a seventy-two hour eval to see if you need meds for anxiety. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay." I obediently hold out my arm so she can give me the shot and almost instantly I begin to feel the effects. My panic decreases significantly and my eyelids get heavy.

"Who's his emergency contact?"

"That would be me. I'm also his next of kin. Or rather I will be in a few days." 

"Oh?" Julie stands and throws the strap of her bag over her shoulder.

"Yeah." Danny also stands. "I filed domestic partnership papers this morning. Should be legal by week's end."

" _Ho'omaika'i 'ana_." She puts one hand on Danny's arm."If you would pack him a bag and drive him to Tripler. I'm going to go ahead and make sure they have a bed.

Danny nods and they both exit the room, leaving me alone again to once more fight the rising tide of panic. I'm getting sick and tired of being afraid, of panicking for no discernible reason, of crying at the drop of a hat, of being fucking angry at Danny for trying to help me get better.

Turning my head to the side I lay my cheek on my folded arms and let my lids close. I know I doze off because I'm totally unaware of Danny returning until he touches my shoulder. Lifting my head didn't used to be so difficult. And then I remember. "She gave me something, Danny."

He smiles at me. "I know. Think you can stand up and get down the stairs to the car?" I nod, frowning in concentration when my body doesn't instantly obey my command. "C'mon." Danny plants his feet and tugs on my arm. Working together we manage to get me to my feet and into the car. Danny presses a kiss to my forehead after buckling my seatbelt.

I blindly reach out and wrap my fingers around his wrist when he goes to step back. "I'm sorry." My voice so small even to my own ears.

"For what, Babe?"

"For hurting you."

"I'm fine." I hear his feet shuffle on the gravel of the drive.

"I wanted to hurt you!" Sobs that I can't control wrack my frame as I think about what I almost did.

"Oh, Babe." His warm breath washes over my face. "It's just a few bruises."

"But I wanted to do so much more." Tears are running unchecked down my face and I hate that he's seeing how weak I truly am.

"Oh, Steve." He gently takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. "You're sick. But you're going to get better."

"But-"

"No, buts, Steve. I love you. I know you love me. We'll discuss this in counseling, okay?"

I nod, the fight draining from me. "Okay."

I lean my head against the door after he closes it and give up, allowing the sedative to do its job and pull me down into the dark depths of sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

I barely rouse when hands assist me from the car and into a wheelchair. Moving while not looking is making me nauseous, something I've never had issue with before, but my lids are too heavy. Someone asks me questions and I'm not sure if I answer them or if Danny does.

Something's not right. I'm being taken somewhere but Danny's presence isn't coming along. Panic flares slightly but I find it's just too much effort to open my eyes and see why he's suddenly abandoned me here. The darkness is so inviting so I stop resisting its pull and slip even further under.

With a start I come to, disoriented as to where I am and how I got here. I lie on the bed for a moment with my eyes closed, stretching out my senses to see what they can tell me about where I am. The first things that register are the antiseptic smell and the sounds of people talking softly. So, another hospital. Funny, I don't recall being injured.

The one thing I don't sense, and really should, is Danny's presence. There _is_ someone in the room, I can hear them moving around, but it's not Danny, or any of my team. I don't, thankfully, get a sense of danger from them so I slowly open my eyes until I can see a man in white scrubs arranging a dinner tray on the rolling table next to the bed.

"Oh! You're awake." His smile stretches his cheeks wide. "I'll just get your doctor." He starts to leave then turns back. "I brought you some dinner. Turkey club, potato chips, apple juice, pineapple juice and for dessert-" He removes the lid from the plate and picks up a little cup with green slime in it, shaking it a bit. "-green jello!" He smiles again and all but bounces from the room.

Left alone, I look around the room. This is not like any hospital room I've ever been in, and I've been in my share of them. The walls are a dull grey, there aren't any monitoring equipment and the bed is more like the cot I slept on at Pendleton than an actual hospital bed. I push myself into a sitting position, propped against the headboard and begin nibbling on the chips. I find I have no appetite but know I need to eat.

Julie enters the room just as I remove the lid on the pineapple juice. "Good to see you awake, Steve." Her smile is nearly as big as the orderly's was. "Do you know where you are?"

"The hospital."

"That's right. Do you remember anything about how you got here?"

"No." I take a sip of my juice. "But I know I wasn't injured if you're here."

"So, you remember me?"

I frown at her. "Of course. You're my therapist. We had our first appointment…" I stop talking as I realize I have no idea what day it is. "What day is it?"

"Don't worry. It's still Wednesday. It's just after 10pm. You've been asleep for about four hours."

The fist around my heart eases and I breathe a sigh of relief. "Where's Danny and Grace?"

Julie tilts her head. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"Uh…" I chew my bottom lip as I try and recall what happened after I left her office this morning. "I left your office…and met Danny and Grace at Kamekona's shrimp truck…Holding Grace while kneeling on the beach…hurting Danny-" My voice cracks and I clear my throat. "Then nothing until I woke up." I shake my head as I recall something else. "I do remember you being at my house and someone, Danny most like, kissing my forehead." I gently rub the spot I think he kissed.

"Well!" She looks surprised at my remembrance of the day. "I'm impressed your remember so much." She steps closer and lays one hand on my shoulder. "I want you to rest tonight. And eat. You need it. Tomorrow we'll talk about what happened and where I think we need to go from here. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure. Will I be allowed to see Danny and Grace? Or at least talk to them on the phone?"

"That's something we'll discuss tomorrow. Rest. And eat. That's all you need to be concerned with right now. Okay?"

I nod. "Okay." I try and give her a smile but my lips barely twitch.

"Night, Steve." And with that she walks out of my room, the door clicking softly closed behind her.

With her instructions ringing in my ears, I force myself to eat every bite. I don't know if my eating habits are being monitored or not and besides, the quickest way to get better and back home to Danny and Grace is to do as she says.

After I eat, I turn out the lights and lay down but sleep doesn't come. I never sleep well in the hospital and the light from the hall shining through the tiny window in the door isn't helping. I toss and turn for several minutes before forcing myself to settle on my right side with my back to the door and eventually I fall asleep.

I wake in the morning to the smell of coffee and a strange presence in my room. I come up swinging and manage to pull my punch at the last minute when I see the other person is a woman about my age. "Sorry," I mutter sitting back on the bed.

"No worries, Commander." When she smiles, twin dimples appear. "I should have announced myself and made sure you were awake. I'm Marie. I'll be your nurse during the day. Dr. Anderson said to eat up then for me to walk you to her office." I nod, still embarrassed at almost punching her. She pats my shoulder and pushes the rolling table over to be before turning to exit the room. "Oh!" She pops her head back in the door. "Just push the call button when you're done."

Breakfast consists of scrambled eggs, two pieces of soggy bacon, two pieces of almost burnt toast, coffee and orange and pineapple juice. Despite still not being the least little bit hungry, I know I have to eat so I force myself to take careful bites of everything until it's all gone, including the beverages.

Swallowing the last of the coffee, I notice that nearly twenty minutes have passed. I can't remember the last time I lingered over a solo meal. I must say that it feels nice to be able to actually taste what I put in my mouth.

Before calling Marie back, I decide to hit the head and find all my preferred products lining the shelves in the miniscule bathroom. That task taken care of, I hunt through the few drawers in the room for a change of clothes; only to discover that Danny only packed underwear, socks, sweats and t-shirts. But sweats are better than the scrubs I'm currently wearing, so I change then press the button to alert Marie that I'm ready.

The walk to Julie's office is done in silence. After two years with Danny, I find silence awkward and search my brain for something to talk about. I still haven't found a good topic by the time we arrive at the door to the waiting area of Julie's office.

Marie pushes the button to alert Julie we're here and the door to the interoffice opens almost immediately. "Steve." Julie smiles at me. "Thank you, Nurse. Please." She steps back to allow me to enter the office.

"I'll be waiting in the hall outside the other door in an hour, Steve," Marie tells me before exiting the office.

"How are you this morning?" Julie closes the door and follows me to the seating area by the windows.

"Tired."

"That's to be expected. You had a pretty big break yesterday." She takes the same chair as before and flips open a notepad. "I know you told me what you remember but what I need to know is if you know what triggered it."

I settle back in my chair and try to pinpoint the exact moment I began to feel out of control. Shaking my head, I say, "I'm not sure. I don't recall feeling anything was wrong until I was almost at the beach."

She nods. "What were you feeling at that point?"

"Trapped; like the walls of the cab of my truck were closing in on me. I started having trouble breathing but was able to mostly control it until later. My heart began to pound. Danny noticed right away but it wasn't until Gracie touched me that I realized it was bad."

"What happened when she touched you?"

I shake my head again. "I can't explain it. It's like her touch broke the dam and all my emotions came flooding down." I run my fingers through my hair, sighing deeply. "It was weird. She was the reason I was losing it so fast but also at the same time she was the reason I kept it together until we were home."

"On one of your old missions a little boy about the age Grace is now was killed, correct?"

I don't even know how to respond. I had never occurred to me that that could be part of the reason. "Yeah. He got caught in the crossfire. We never did determine whose bullet actually killed him."

"But there's a chance it was yours, right?"

"Why are you doing this? I've managed to forget that day and now… now…" Suddenly I can't breathe. I feel like Kamekona's sitting on my chest. "And Grace… dead… fault…"

"Steve?" Julie's right there in my face. "Can you hear me?" I force my gaze to lock with hers and nod. "Good. I need you to try and get control. Deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Follow me." She inhales deeply through her nose, then slowly releases it through her mouth, angling her head down so she doesn't breathe directly in my face. I try to copy her but my breath hitches numerous times on the way in and out. "That's a good try. Again." And again we breathe in and out together, my breath still hitching. She has me do it until my breathing has returned to normal.

"Good. Try to remember to do that anytime you begin to feel overwhelmed, okay?" I nod. "Now, about your trigger." She looks at me like I'm a particularly fascinating puzzle. "I think it all ties back to your mother's death. Was she the first person you knew who died?"

"Not really." I rub my sweaty palms on my pants. I don't want to talk about this but figure now will be infinitely better than later. "My mom's mom died when I was ten and my dad's mom died a year later. I knew my dad's mom better because she lived on the island, too. Mom's parents live on the mainland. Her dad died before Mary was born so I have no memory of him. Nana, however, is someone I vaguely remember. Nona, even more so, of course."

"So, your mom was the first person you knew well and had a close personal relationship with who died."

"Yeah." I lower my head and stare blindly down at my fingers.

"What aren't you telling me, Steve?" I glance up sharply at her, my brows furrowed over my nose. "I've been a therapist for a long time and most of my career has been here at Tripler so I know when a military man is keeping something from me. I can't help you if you don't tell me everything."

To give myself time to gather my thoughts and find the words, I stand and wander over to the window. "When Mary was here two years ago she snooped in the toolbox Dad kept some…things in. I had just begun looking into the items and was beginning to suspect they were evidence of a crime. Just wasn't sure what." I rub one hand over my head. A headache's building behind my eyes but I refuse to submit to it. "After Mary was kidnapped, and the box stolen, we discovered most of the evidence was about Mom's 'accident'. She didn't die the way Dad had always said. She was murdered. By a car bomb. One that was meant for Dad since she was driving his car."

"I'm sorry, Steve."

"Yeah. Dad apologized for lying just before he was killed."

"Were those his last words to you?"

I shake my head, feeling tears gathering, again. "No. His very last words were, 'Don't you give it to 'em.' See, the man who killed him thought he could bargain his brother's release with Dad's life. I guess you could say that I killed him by refusing to let Anton Hesse go free."

"That couldn't be further from the truth, Steve. No one should have to choose between doing what's right and saving a loved one."

"If I had caught Anton and Victor earlier… If I had caught Victor instead of Anton…" 

"You can't think like that, Steve. All that kind of thinking will do is trigger another attack. And make life hell. You were doing your job. It's not your fault Victor used your father against you."

"I was using his brother against him!" I spin to glare at her. "I was using Anton as bait for Victor."

"Was Anton an innocent?"

"No. He was his brother's partner in their gun running." She lifts her brows and tilts her head. "Yeah, okay. I get it. What I was doing doesn't compare to what Victor did." She grins at me, causing me to roll my eyes.

"You military types are so easy."

"Teasing, Doc? Really?"

"Would you rather I be stern and unfeeling?"

"No."

"Okay, then." She flips a page in her notebook. "Tell me about what happened after your mother's death."

I return to my chair, slouching down enough to rest my head on the back. "A Week after the funeral, Dad shipped Mary to Mom's family in Southern California. His old Navy buddy, Joe, came and got me. I was at Joe's for less than twenty-four hours before he drove me to a local military academy. They just so happened to have Navy ROTC and I discovered quickly that I thrived on the military structure.

"Their football team sucked until I arrived. We made State my senior year. I thought about playing football at Annapolis but changed my mind."

"That must have been some feat, taking their team to State in only one season of playing. Didn't you transfer in you junior year?"

"Yeah, well, their main problem was their quarterback. He shouldn't have even been starting but he was the only one _not_ injured. All I had to do was make sure the right receivers got their hands on the ball and we started losing by less and less until finally we won."

"When your dad sent you and Mary away, did you at least leave on the same plane."

I shake my head. "No. Mary left the day before I did. I didn't even get to say bye to her. When I got home from practice, she was gone."

"Did you know ahead of time you were being sent away?"

"Yeah but I thought we had more time."

"I'm surprised that I don't hear much lingering resentment toward your father."

I shrug. "I can understand better now. He had just lost his wife and was scared of losing his kids too. I'm sure I'd do the same with Grace if anything was to happen to Danny and Rachel. The next safest place for her, after with her parents and me, is with Danny's family in New Jersey." There's a momentary silence, broken only by the scratch of her pen across the paper while I try and get my emotions under control. "Can I ask you something?"

She glances up at me over the rim of her glasses and smiles. "Questions are highly encouraged."

"Is it normal for me to cry like this?" I swipe my cheeks with the backs of my hands. 

"Yes, it is. As you learn to control the PTSD that should lessen. Or I could put you on mood stabilizers to make it happen quicker."

"No. No unnecessary drugs."

"Okay, but just be warned that as things progress, I may have to put you on something."

"Like what?" Last thing I want is to have to pop a pill every day. Not to mention I've heard stories of people on the drugs she's talking about feeling like they're walking under water. I can't afford to have my reflexes dulled like that.

"Like an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant. Or maybe even both."

I frown at her. "You said the depression and panic attacks are part of the PTSD."

"And they are. But as you learn to control that the other two may not go away which would mean that they are independent of the PTSD and therefore need to be treated as such. Believe me, drugs are a very last resort with me. I only suggested them now because you seem distressed by how emotional you are."

Not liking the direction the conversation has taken I not so subtly change the subject. "How long will I have to be here?"

"I put you on a voluntary seventy-two hour psych eval."

"Okay." Tipping my head back, I stare up at the ceiling for a moment. "Can Danny and Grace come visit?"

"Do you want them to come visit?"

"Danny for sure but I don't think he'll be able to without Grace wanting to as well."

"I think it would be good for Grace, and you, if she was to visit. I spoke at length with Danny yesterday. He says Grace is more than able to understand what's going on with you."

I shake my head, blinking up at the ceiling, doing my best to stop crying. "She's ten."

"Yes, exactly, Steve, she's _ten_. More than old enough to grasp the situation. Danny said he's never really treated her like a child. He has not told her about this only because he knows you don't want him to." I feel her hand on my knee and glance down to see her leaning forward, a beseeching look on her face. "Try to remember how you felt after your mother's death when your father made decisions that affected you and Mary without discussing it with you first. Or at least explaining things. Sometimes _not_ telling children things is worse than letting them know that the world is a scary place." She glances at her watch. "Sorry to cut this short but I had to fit you in before my appointments for the day. Marie will bring you back at your scheduled time. Please think about letting Grace come visit. I'm sure the three of us can explain things in a way she'll understand."

"Yeah, okay." I push myself out of the chair. "What am I supposed to do for the rest of the day? I mean, do I just sit in my room? Or in some public area staring at some inane daytime programming on a crappy TV?"

She chuckles. "You can do whatever you want. You can visit the library or go for a walk outside. Just so long as you have Marie or one of the other nurses with you."

"Why? If I'm here voluntarily why can't I go alone?"

"It's for your protection. In case you have another attack."

"Oh." That makes sense. I'm surprised I didn't realize it. "Thanks, Doc." I step out into the hall and find Marie waiting just like she said she would.

"You're welcome, Steve. I'll see you at 10." She shuts the door.

Marie smiles and falls into step with me. "What would you like to do until your next appointment?"

"See my boyfriend and his daughter. But since I don't want her to see me here, how about a walk?"

"Good choice. We have a lovely garden right this way." She leads the way outside. She's right, the garden is very nice. Honey bees flit from flower to flower, birds sing to each other from the trees and the air is heavy with the scent of Mother Nature after a big rain storm. I must have slept through it because there is still evidence of its passing in the puddles on the sidewalks.

I set a leisurely pace; I have nowhere I need to be anytime soon. And besides, it's very relaxing being out here. I can almost forget I'm accompanied by a psychiatric nurse. We've walked a fair distance when I spy an empty bench and head for it, having decided I'm tired of walking, but before I get close someone gets there first. My brows lower in a frown but before I can even begin to get angry, I recognize Danny.

"Danny!" I pick up my pace until I can wrap my arms around his sturdy frame and bury my nose in his hair.

"Doc got you on the good stuff, huh?" He squeezes me back before stepping out of my embrace and sitting on the bench.

"No drugs. Just happy to see you."

He squints up at me. "No drugs, huh? Is that wise? I mean, you had me terrified, Steve."

I sit down next to him, totally ignoring Marie's presence. "I know. It scared me, too. But Julie said she doesn't want to put me on meds unless it becomes absolutely necessary."

He nods. "She seems to know her stuff." I nod my agreement and we fall silent, just enjoying being in each other's presence. "Oh, Grace sent you something." He reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a folded piece of construction paper.

"Yeah? She made me something?" I take the paper from him and carefully open it. And find myself staring at Grace's rendering of me and her and Danny on the beach. A rainbow provides shelter for us and perched on top of the rainbow is what appears to be an angel with heart shaped wings. On the rainbow are the words 'My love will fly to you each night on angel's wings'. My vision blurs as tears fill my eyes. Swiping the back of one hand across my eyes, I turn to face him. "Does Julie know you're here?"

"She does. She wants me to sit in on your next appointment, if that's okay with you."

"Yeah, it is." I lean over until I can rest my head on his shoulder. "I'm still very scared, Danny."

"I am too. But we'll get through this together. Okay?"

I nod and with a sigh, close my eyes. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm still feeling the effects of the sedative. "Julie seems to think Grace needs to visit me here."

"I happen to agree but if you don't feel right about it, then she won't."

With another sigh, I turn my head to rest my forehead on his shoulder. "If you think she should, then she should."

"You sure, Steve?"

"No." He chuckles at my honest answer. "But I miss her and if seeing her here will help me, then I won't refuse."

"Okay. I'll bring her by tonight. How's that?"

I nod. "Danny?"

"Yeah, Babe?"

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know. I forgive you."

"Doesn't make my guilt go away. You have no idea what I wanted to do."

"I do, actually."

I sit up and frown at him. "How?"

"I could see it in your eyes. You wanted to hurt me more than you did. I have a feeling you would have forced me if you hadn't stopped when you did."

"I have no idea what stopped me. Something in your face or voice, maybe." I shake my head and look away. "You have to know, the last thing I want to do is hurt you or Grace."

"I do know that, Steve. Look at me, please." He smiles when I comply. "I know you love us. Just like I know you know we love you. We are both on your side here and are willing to do whatever it takes to get you better." Just then his phone rings. He pulls it from his pocket with a muttered curse which turns into a string of what I'm guessing is Italian curses when he sees the caller ID. "I _will_ be back at 10 for your session. Okay?" I nod, fighting the feeling of being abandoned again. He presses a kiss to my forehead. "You are so very much loved." And then he's gone, striding off across the lawn, ranting into his phone at whoever called.

"He seems nice." Marie brings her presence back to my attention.

Blinking back the tears, I stand from the bench and begin walking back toward the hospital. "He is. And a great father, too."

"You two been together long?"

"Almost a year."

"Oh? That's nice." I hear what she doesn't say: _How sad that you've been gone for most of that year. How sad that you're now stuck in here._ The part of me that doesn't think its worthy of Danny's love even hears: _How sad for you that he's out there fucking other people._ I try to ignore that last part but it just won't leave me alone.

When we get back inside, Marie turns toward the rec room. "I'm not feeling up to being around people. I want to go to my room."

"Okay. Want me to keep you company?"

Annoyance flashes through me at her question. Why would she ask that when I just said I want to be alone? "No, thanks. I would like something to read, though."

"Okay. The library's through here." She goes through a set of double doors on her right.

I follow and find myself in a nice sized room lined with shelf after shelf full of books. "I'm in the mood for a good detective story. Do you think they have any Sherlock Holmes?" I don't let her answer, just begin searching the shelves. "Never mind." I locate the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle section and begin searching the titles for one that looks interesting, and that I don't recall ever reading in school. I settle on two: _The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes_ and _The Return of Sherlock Holmes_. Checking out consists of the 'librarian' writing my name and room number down on a piece of paper and then we're off back to my room. 

Once alone in my room, I find I can't settle down and concentrate on the words. Feeling the need to being moving, but refusing to have to force myself to be polite to complete strangers, I decide to do some light exercises. It's nearly time for Marie to come take me to my next session with Julie by the time I've built up a nice sweat. Not wanting to see Danny, or Julie, all sweaty and smelly, I jump in the shower.

And instantly regret it.


	5. Chapter 5

The shower stall is small and claustrophobic and throws me back to the hospital in Germany which throws me back to the showers in Afghanistan. I'm having difficulty telling the difference between all three. My breathing is coming in huge gulps and I'm still not able to get enough air into my lungs. I stumble from the bathroom, my wet feet slipping on the floor. Somehow I manage to make it to my bed and press the call button before my legs give out and I land on my ass on the floor, curling into a ball, wet and naked and shivering.

Marie and two orderlies arrive and manage to get me dressed and into the bed. A syringe appears in Marie's hand from somewhere and I feel the prick of the needle in my arm and then blessed darkness.

But I'm far from free of the horrors that haunt me. They follow me into the dark and taunt me with the deaths I've caused and been unable to prevent as well as the ones I'll be responsible for. I do my best to ignore them but they're stronger than me, I know I cry out and trash against them because I'm vaguely aware of Danny speaking softly to me and of hands holding me down.

In the dark of my mind I make a decision. One that breaks my heart but one that needed to be made nonetheless. Once made, I'm finally able to rest free of my demons.

I wake in the pre-dawn hours to find my hands and feet tied to the bed and Danny asleep in a chair at my side. My neck twinges in sympathy at the awkward angle his head is at. I loathe having to wake him but my decision insists I do so.

"D," I call softly, won't do to startle him.

He comes to with a snort and a grunt, jerking a bit before he's truly aware of where he is. "You're awake. Feeling better?"

"What did Julie say about asking me that?"

He sighs. "Right. Sorry." He stands and stretches so that his shirt rides up and exposes a strip of his lower belly, an area I love to kiss. Closing my eyes, I harden my heart against the temptation that is Daniel Williams. "I'll just go let her know you're awake." He leans over and kisses me chastely on the lips then turns and leaves the room.

I stare at the ceiling until he returns with Julie in tow. I don't want to say what I need to with her but not really having a choice, I open my mouth and say the words that will break his heart along with mine. "I've come to a decision" before either of them can say anything.

They share a look. "Okay, Steve. What's this decision you've made?" Julie asks, sitting in the chair Danny slept in.

Keeping my gaze firmly locked on the ceiling, I say those dreaded words. "The best thing for all concerned: Danny, Grace and me, is if Danny and I break up. He can keep the house. I'll be transferring back to active duty once I'm better and so won't have any use for it."

"You stupid son of a bitch!" Danny exclaims, leaning over so that I have to look at him. "You think breaking our hearts is for the best!? You have another think coming, McGarrett."

"Detective Williams!" Julie scolds, pulling him out of my line of sight. "That's no way to talk to him." I can't resist any longer and turn my head until I can see Danny pacing a circle behind the chair Julie's sitting in. "Now, Steve, why don't you tell us why you think breaking up is the best thing?"

"I'm damaged goods. Danny and Grace deserve more. Someone whole, better, than me."

"Bet-" Danny stops pacing to sputter but Julie doesn't let the building rant even start, just holds up her hand stopping him in his tracks.

"What makes you think you're not good enough?"

I shrug. "Just know that I'm not."

"Steve-" Again Danny tries to talk and again Julie stops him with one upraised hand.

"If you insist on breaking that particular rule, I'll have to ask you to step outside. Am I understood?" She turns in her chair to glare at him. He nods; lips pressed tightly together, anger and frustration pouring off him.

When she turns back to me she gives me an encouraging smile. "This is a safe place. No one has the right to try and tell you that your emotions aren't valid." Danny rolls his eyes at that. "Whatever it is you're feeling is yours and yours alone and there's no such thing as a wrong emotion. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

I nod. "Even if it feels wrong to feel this way, it's not because it's how I feel."

"That's right. And I'm here to help you figure out why you feel a particular way or why certain situations make you feel that way. And then help you learn how to deal with things so that you don't feel that way anymore." She smiles and leans over to pat my hand. "Now, tell why you think Danny and Grace should leave you?"

"So I don't have to be alone."

She frowns. "But pushing them away means you'll be alone."

I shake my head. She's not getting it. "I won't have to be alone when they die."

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't Danny and Grace in good health?" I nod. "So why do you say they might die?"

"Because everyone I love does." Tears are streaming down my temples and into my ears. "My mom, my dad. All my fault."

"Steve-" Julie leans forward again to rub my arm. "Do you love your sister?" I nod again. "Is she dead?" I shake my head. "So not everyone you love dies."

"Enough people do. I can't stand the thought that I might be responsible for their deaths."

Julie sighs. "Who told you it's your job to take care of the world? Because they were wrong. You are no more responsible for your dad's death than you are that little boy's. There are just some things in the life that you have no control over. And people dying is one of them"

My head tells me she's right, of course she's right, but my heart is refusing to believe. It keeps telling me that if Danny and Grace stay with me, they'll die. I begin to cry harder, my sobs wracking my frame and shaking the bed.

"Danny, you can hold him."

"Can I remove the restraints?"

"Yes."

Danny all but tears the cuffs off my wrists and ankles before gathering me against his chest and rocking me like he does Grace. "May I…?"

"You may."

I'm slightly confused as to what he's asking but not for long. As soon as Julie gives her permission, he presses his face to my hair and begins murmuring in a soothing voice. His words have no meaning other than that they calm me. Eventually my sobs taper off and I'm left breathing brokenly in his arms.

"I'm going to prescribe a sleeping pill."

"No drugs." I force the words out through gritted teeth.

"It's just a sleeping pill, Steve." Danny still has his face buried in my hair. "If she thinks it'll help…"

"I won't take it. I'm not having trouble sleeping."

"It may seem that way to you but it appears that your attacks are related to your circadian rhythm. It has gotten off somehow and we need to reset it. I'd also like to extend your stay from seventy-two hours to a week while we get this settled. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay, then." She stands. "I should go. It's nearly dawn and I have a full schedule today. Your first dose will be administered tonight at 10." She walks to the door. "Danny?"

"I'm staying."

"You can't."

"I don't care what you say. I'm not leaving him."

"You don't understand…"

"No, _you_ don't understand. You said he has abandonment issues. Yes?" She nods, a frown marring her forehead. "He must feel I abandoned him here. So, I'm staying."

"But, the rules…" She begins but Danny talks over her with, "Can be broken this time. Or do I need to call the Governor?"

Her sigh is loud in the small room. "So be it. I'll say your presence is part of his healing process." She turns on her heel and leaves us alone.

For endless moments Danny and I sit there, holding on to each other. Neither of us any hurry to move. Then he takes my face in his hands and presses our foreheads together. I get lost in the blue of his eyes. "You have any idea how angry your suggestion made me?"

"Grace needs to be kept safe, Danny."

"And she is safe!" He closes his eyes and one tear slides down each cheek. "She's at her safest with us and you know it!"

"But you're always saying I'm a trouble magnet."

"And you are. When we're doing our jobs. There hasn't been an incident since that football game. I am never going to leave you. Ever. Am I clear?"

"Crystal."

He pulls me close enough to tuck my head under his chin again. The position is hell on my back but I don't care. "Do you think you could eat something?"

"I can try. I haven't had an appetite since I got here."

He snorts his opinion of that and stands from the bed to retrieve the rolling table from where it had been pushed into a corner. "Since we weren't sure when you'd wake, it's another sandwich. Turkey and Swiss on Rye."

He sets the plate in my lap and lifts the lid. I tear off pieces and stuff them in my mouth, keeping my gaze lowered. After taking several bites, and a sip of orange juice, I tell him, "You're going to hear things that will disgust you. Things I had to do in the name of freedom."

"I watch the news, Steven. And war movies. I do realize that the movies get it wrong more often than not but some of what they show is true."

I shake my head. "Not the same as hearing me describe what I've done." I take a deep breath and tell him one of my secrets. "About five years ago, during one of my first missions with the SEALS, we had tracked our target to a remote village. We had him cornered in the square." My breath catches in my throat and I swallow the lump that's formed there. "We thought it was abandoned but during the fire fight, a kid wandered out right into the middle of it. I have no idea where he came from but I will never forget the sight of his head exploding. I don't remember anything else from that day. Just this kid appearing in the middle of the square and blood and brain splattering everywhere. He couldn't have been more than ten. When I look at Gracie, I see him."

"God, Babe," Danny murmurs, scooting closer on the bed and placing one hand on my thigh. "We've both killed in the course of our jobs. It's never pretty. Especially when the victim's an innocent."

"This is different!"

"How? Huh? That kid was in the wrong place at the wrong time. If you had tried to rescue him, you might have been killed, too. Please stop blaming yourself for his death."

"What if it was my bullet that killed him?" I ask in a small voice.

He shakes his head. "Still not your fault. It was war. People die. Even innocents."

"I think I know why Julie didn't want you talking," I mutter, taking a big bite of my sandwich.

"I'm sorry. She's right. No one has the right to tell you have to feel. You emotions belong to you and you alone."

"Are you not haunted by the ghosts of the innocents you've failed to protect?"

He looks away, but not before I see the hurt flash in his eyes. "Of course I am. But I haven't seen what you have. Yes, I was at Ground Zero but I seriously doubt it was even half as horrific as being half a world away and watching women and children die because some god commanded it."

"I am _so_ not discussing religion with you."

He shrugs. "Fine by me. Religion's depressing anyway."

We sit in silence while I finish my meager meal. Once done, I set the plate back on the tray and move closer to him. "Hey, D?" I turn his face to mine with one hand on his cheek.

He smiles softly at me before meeting me half way, our lips touching, parting then going back again and again; each time the kisses get deeper, harder and our breathing picks up until we're panting into each other's mouths.

I fall back on the bed, taking him with me, twisting my upper body so that we're draped half over each other. Our hands find bare skin and touch, becoming reacquainted with every square inch we can reach. His fingers catalog each new scar on me and mine do the same with him.

When I reach for his fly, he stops me. "No."

"Danny…"

He runs his free hand through my hair. "Not here, not now. We'll get there, though. Promise."

I drop my head to rest my forehead against his. "You can't promise that."

"You mean like you promised my daughter that you'd come home?"

"But I did come home."

"And we'll get there. Please-" He cups my cheeks in his hands. "-have some patience."

"Patience sucks," I mutter, rolling off to lie on my right side next to him on the bed. "I need…" My voice catches in my throat and I bury my face against his shoulder, hiding the blush I know is staining my cheeks.

"I know, I need, too." He shifts until he's lying facing me on his left side. "How about I-" He slips his hand under the waist band of my sweats. My face gets even hotter when his searching hand encounters my flaccid penis. "It's okay, Steve." No it's not but words are beyond me right now. "It happens. Especially when stressed. You know that."

"But I _want_ you so much!"

"I know you do, Babe. Trust me. I _know_. Just take this as your body's way of telling you that now's not the time. Okay?" He presses a kiss to my hair.

"Why is this happening to me?" Why couldn't I have come home from this deployment just like every other one?"

"Were you ever injured this badly before?"

I shake my head. "Shot a couple of times but never anything that was bad enough for me to be sent home on medical leave."

"Maybe that's the difference. Combined with the TBI."

"I don't know but it sucks fucking rocks."

He chuckles. "Yes, it does. But at least you're home safe. And we have time for you to get better."

I snuggle closer and close my eyes, his warmth and the thump-thump of his heart lulling me to sleep. "I guess so."

He chuckles again and, pressing another kiss to my hair, he settles back with me cradled against his chest. "I love you, Steven Jedi McGarrett."

My eyes fly open at his use of my middle name but quickly close again. Despite all the sedatives, I haven't really slept and I find I don't want to resist any longer.

I'm not sure how long we've been napping when we're both woken by Marie breezing into my room followed by two orderlies pushing a cart with a fold up cot on it. "Dr. Anderson said you'd be getting a roommate so here's the extra bed." She directs them to set it up right next to mine. "Just 'cause she's breaking the rules for you doesn't me you can get it on at night." She wags her finger back and forth between us. "I got my eyes on you two." She ushers the orderlies out of the room, then turns back to us. "You ready to go see Dr. Anderson?"

A tiny shiver of apprehension skates down my spine and Danny kisses my shoulder to remind me I'm not alone in this. "As ready as we can be, I guess." We climb from the bed and follow Marie through the halls and down an elevator to Julie's office. A few steps outside my room I reach out for Danny's hand and don't feel even a tiny a bit embarrassed at holding his hand while walking through the hospital. If anything, I feel proud to call him my boyfriend.

"Uncle Steve!" Grace squeals and takes a running leap at my head the moment we enter the waiting area.

I manage to catch her in mid-air and crush her against my chest. "Hey, Baby Girl." I bury my nose in the crook of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent.

"Hey, Danno. Hey, Monkey," Danny says sarcastically from behind me.

Grace and I chuckle. "Hey, Danno," she parrots obediently, leaning over my shoulder to kiss his cheek.

"Hey, Boss." Kono gives a tiny wave from where she's standing in the center of the room.

"Hey." I'm suddenly self conscious of the fact that I'm in a therapist office in a hospital and that my team knows that I've been admitted to the psych ward.

"You look good."

"Liar." She chuckles.

"You do, too. At least better than the last time I saw you."

"Some Christmas this turned out to be, huh?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. Considering we thought you were dead, I'd say this is a far better one than it could have been." I nod and accept her peck to my cheek. "Really glad you're not dead," she whispers. Clearing her throat, she turns to Danny. "Just call when you're ready for me to come back and get her."

"Will do. Thanks, Kono."

Kono's dimples appear when she smiles. "My pleasure." With another wave she's out the door.

"Can I press the button, now?" Danny and I frown at Grace. She sighs and rolls her eyes. "That one!" She throws her arm out in the direction of the door to Julie's office. "Auntie Kono wouldn't let me push it until you two got here."

"Of course she did. And yes, you can push it now," Danny says.

Grace begins squirming to get down as soon as Danny says 'yes'. The instant her feet touch the floor, she's off like a bullet. She pushes the button with her head tilted back so she can see the light over the door. She makes a frustrated sound in the back of her throat when the light doesn't go off. "Danno!" She spins on her heel and points at the light like he can make it go off.

"Easy, Monkey." He chuckles softly and ruffles her hair when she flops down on the couch between us. "The light means that there's still someone in there with the doctor. It'll go off as soon as they're finished. Steve's not her only patient, you know."

"I know. I just want Uncle Steve to get better."

Danny and I frown at each other over her head at her continued use of 'Uncle Steve' but before either of us can say anything the light goes off and Julie opens the door. "Steve. Danny" she greets us each with a hand shake. "And you must be Grace." She smiles down at where Grace is trying to become one with my leg.

I nudge her shoulder and she frowns up at me before turning to Julie and saying, "That's me". 

"I have been looking forward to meeting you." Julie stands back and ushers us into the room. Grace takes both mine and Danny's hands and walks slowly between us into the room. "You have nothing to fear from me, Grace. I'm here to help your Papa get better."

"I can still call him Papa?"

"Of course you can. Why would you think you can't?"

Grace shrugs. "Auntie Kono said I prolly shouldn't."

"Kono doesn't know everything." Danny juggles her hand and she jiggles mine. I look down at her and wink, causing her to giggle.

"Good to see you in a good mood today, Steve." Julie motions further into the room. "Please have a seat." The three of us sit on the couch with Grace on my lap. Julie sits in the same chair as before and immediately begins scribbling notes on her pad. "So, Grace, please tell me about the day you found out that Papa was reported dead."

Grace presses back against my chest, almost as if she's trying to disappear. "It was a bad day. I called Danno and Auntie Cath answered his phone. And he forgot to call me back." She shakes her head. "He _never_ forgets to call me back." Her voice is small and frightened. I wrap my arms tighter around her. "When I got home from school, Mommy told me Danno was upstairs asleep in one of the guest rooms." She pauses and her breath hitches in her chest. "When he woke up he told me that Auntie Cath lied when she said she had no news about Papa. He said that Papa had been reported killed in action and wasn't coming home." Her voice breaks on that last word. "But he _promised_ he'd come home and he always keeps his promises. I knew _here_ -" She touches her heart. "-that he wasn't dead. But no one believed me because I'm just a little kid and what do kids know about anything, huh?" I can hear the anger at the adults refusal to believe in her voice and kiss her head in apology.

"I'm sure that's not why, Grace." Julie tries to reassure her. "See, adults have learned to believe what people in authority tell them. And the military… Well, the military are like the government. They are _the_ authority. Especially when it comes to one of their own. If they say that a soldier has been killed, then why would a civilian not believe them?"

"But even Danno believed! He loves Papa so he should have doubted. He _knows_ Papa never breaks a promise."

"But this was a promise I shouldn't have made, Baby Girl. I knew there was a chance I wouldn't come home."

She twists around to gap at me. "You lied?"

I chew my lower lip. "I wanted you to stop crying, _Keiki_ so I said what I know you wanted to hear."

"But you did come home!"

"Grace." Julie tries to stop the argument before it begins. "Tell me about the months after Danno told you Papa was dead."

Grace folds her arms over her chest and I'm afraid she'll refuse but before I can remind her of her manners, she begins to speak. "I was so mad at Danno for insisting Papa was dead. I didn't talk to him for a long time. Like a week or two and then only when I had to. I also didn't go to his house on the weekends for even longer. A month, I think." I hide a smile in her hair at how to her ten year-old mind a week is a long time. "Only when we moved into Papa's house did I go with him again. But even so, I was still mad and so refused to speak unless I had to."

"Auntie Mary gave Danno Papa's house?" Julie had listened intently to every word Grace said but is now writing furiously on her pad.

"Yeah. Papa forgot to change his will before he left so Auntie Mary got everything but she didn't want the house. So, when Auntie Mary came to Papa's service, she gave Danno the keys to the house, not that Danno doesn't already have a set, and told him that since there's nothing left for her on the islands she won't be coming back so we might as well have the house so it won't sit empty." Grace turns to look at me again. "And you'd want us to have it, right?"

"Of course, Baby Girl. Can't think of anyone better to take care of it."

"You told Mary to give it to me, didn't you?" Danny kicks my foot with his.

"And what if I did? I knew she wouldn't want it. No reason to sell it if someone could use it. Plus, it's completely paid for so you don't have to pay rent or worry about a mortgage which means you have more money to save for Grace's college."

"Except for the higher property tax due to the cove out the back door." I grin unrepentantly at him. He rolls his eyes at me. "Good thing I love you and live to make my daughter happy."

"It's obvious the two of you love each other very much and that Grace features heavily in the picture of your relationship." I had almost forgotten that we weren't at home. "One more question for you, Grace. Tell me about when Papa came home."

"The four months from when Danno told me until Christmas were bad. Real bad. Not only was I mad at Danno, but I was mad at all the adults. Even Auntie Kono and Auntie Cath. But I let Auntie Kono and Auntie Malia and Uncle Chin take me Trick or Treating. And Thanksgiving was very quiet. We didn't sit at the table like usual. We sat in the living room. I also had Auntie Kono take me Christmas shopping. Auntie Mary and I had been texting since she was here for Papa's service and she's the only one who didn't try to convince me he was dead. She even sent me a present for him."

"So, Auntie Mary didn't believe he was dead?"

Grace shrugs. "She never said. She did tell me the present was actually for me but I knew that when Papa came home, he'd be upset without a present to open so I put his name on it. But Danno got mad and yelled that I needed to realize he wasn't ever coming back." Her lower lip trembles. "And he was getting tired of telling me that. He's never yelled at me like that before." Her voice is very soft and she's huddled in on herself in my lap. "I told him I hate him and ran to my room where I slammed the door and cried myself to sleep." Tears slip down my cheeks at hearing what she went through because of me. "But when I woke and went to get Danno, I found Papa sleeping in the bed next to Danno. So I crawled up on the bed and laid down between them. I told Danno. I told you!" She sits up straight and points a finger right in Danny's face. "But no one believed me."

"Maybe next time they will, hm?" Julie smiles at Grace.

Grace flops back against my chest as if her outburst has exhausted her. "We all fell back to sleep but woke when the storm hit. The thunder caused Papa to have a bad dream but after a shower and some food he was better. Until Uncle Chin and Auntie Kono and Auntie Malia came by." She crosses her arms again and frowns. "They said I couldn't call Papa, Papa because he's not my Papa. Even though he's my step-dad like Stan is. They said that if I don't call Stan Dad or something similar then I shouldn't do that with Papa." I had no idea that they had tried to get Grace to not call me Papa. I look over her head at Danny but he just shrugs and shakes his head. "They said that Papa isn't really my step-dad because he's not married to Mommy. I said that's because she's married to Stan but Papa is my step-dad because he's marrying Danno. They said that Danno and Papa can't marry because Hawai'i doesn’t have same sex marriage, only domestic partnership. Which is a lie. I looked and Hawai'i has civil unions which is just like a marriage!" And yet different. While, yes, Danny and I would have a piece of paper similar to a marriage license, it wouldn't be the same at all. Domestic partnership is more like a marriage in that we'd both have rights in the event anything should happen.

"Wow." Julie chuckles. "I take it you want Danno and Papa to get married?"

Grace nods. "They love each other and that's what people who are in love do. They get married."

"Okay. Good to know that you approve." Julie scribbles some more on her pad.

"I've liked Papa from the first. Just days after meeting Danno he paid for us to spend three days at the Kahala Hotel so I could swim with the dolphins. And Danno's calmer and happier since he became Papa's partner. Almost like how he was before him and Mommy got divorced."

Julie nods. "Tell me what happened at the beach yesterday."

Grace sighs. "That was bad, too. Papa had an appointment and said he'd meet us for lunch. I decided I wanted some of Uncle Kamekona's shrimp so Danno texted Papa to tell him where to meet us. When he arrived he looked sick. Danno sent me to pick a table. Not sure why. When they finished ordering, I asked Papa to sit next to me." Danny snorts. She didn't so much _ask_ as _demand_ I sit there. "When I snuggled up next to him his body went stiff, then began trembling and he seemed to have trouble breathing." Grace wraps her arms around my waist and tucks her head under my chin. "We got him home and he said he wanted to be on the beach. So we knelt there and held him until he felt better. But he isn't better, is he? 'Cause he's here instead of home where he belongs."

"No, Grace, he isn't 'better'. But that's why he's here. And why you're here, too. You and Danno are here to help me help him get better."

"So he can come home?"

"Yes, so he can come home." Grace sniffles and Julie hands her a tissue. "Now, Grace, Danno, Papa and I need to discuss some adult things. If you'll go out that door-" She points at the door leading out into the hall. "-a nurse will take you to the pediatric play room. Okay?"

Grace tightens her hold on my waist. "No," she mutters. "Don't wanna go."

"I know but-" Julie starts but I know that'll just make Grace dig her heels in so I cut her off with an upraised hand.

"Gracie Girl, listen to me." Taking her by the shoulders, I push her back so I can see her face. "It's just for a little while longer. I'll be home in a few days, okay?"

She gives me a long look. "Promise?"

"Uh…" I begin to panic slightly. "Sorry. I can't promise that. But I _can_ promise that I'll let you come visit. 'Kay?"

She sighs. "Fine. As long as you pinky promise." She holds up her right hand with her pinky extended.

"Pinky promise," I say, linking my pinky with hers and shaking it.

"Love you, Papa." She kisses my cheek and hugs my neck tight.

"Love you, too, Baby Girl." I return her hug. "Now, go on. I'll see you later." I set her on her feet and shoo her toward the door with a pat to her backside.

"Love you, Danno!" She calls out before disappearing out the door.

"Danno loves you, too," Danny mumbles even though she more than likely didn't hear it since the door has already closed.

"Steve." Julie brings my attention back to her. "Want to tell me what happened yesterday?"

I lick my lips and think about what happened. "I'm not really sure. I was feeling better after seeing Danny after our session. But I found I couldn't settle so I did some light exercises. Just some push-ups and sit-ups. Then I needed a shower." I shake my head. "Something about the shower stall reminded me of Germany."

"Which reminded you of Afghanistan." Never let it be said that Julie isn't quick on the upswing. 

"Yeah. I guess." I shrug.

"It's okay, Steve. PTSD and anxiety attacks have no rhyme or reason to them. You just have to learn how to spot the signs and how to stop it in its tracks. And that's what I'm here for. To teach you how."

"And I'm here, too. As are our _ohana_." I turn to look at Danny, his beloved face blurred by the tears in my eyes.

"Danny? Is there something you want to say to Steve?"

Danny puts one hand on my thigh and squeezes. "I love you more than I can ever say. There are not enough words in any language." He shifts closer and his hand slips higher on my thigh causing my dick to twitch at the thought that he _might_ touch it. "I think I've loved you from the first. I _do_ know that I fell in love with you when you gave me that weekend pass to the Kahala Hotel so that Grace could swim with the dolphins. You hadn't even met her yet and already you were protective of her. You were so worried that she wouldn't have a good time that you bought us three days at an expensive hotel.

"I also want you so much. I've wanted to have my wicked, wicked way with you since I turned the corner of your dad's garage and found you at the end of my gun." He stops to clear his throat. He doesn't seem to notice that he's running the tips of his fingers along the inseam of my pants. "But you introduced yourself as a Lieutenant Commander and I knew that your military brain wouldn't allow us to do anything, _be_ anything, more than friends. And I was okay with that. _Am_ okay with that." He turns sideways on the couch. "Steve, if you're never recovered enough for us to have sex, that's fine with me. Just so long as I can spend the rest of my life with you. That's all I ask."

I shake my head, no longer embarrassed by the tears flowing down my face. Danny puts a lot of stock in words but he knows that I don't. Although that doesn't seem to bother him here, now. "I want to believe, Danny. I do, but-" The words dry up in my throat. I can feel an attack coming and try to cut it off by doing the breathing Julie taught me but it doesn't seem to be working.

The walls are closing in, my heart is racing, a cold sweat has broken out on my skin and my vision has narrowed to a point where the only thing I can see is Danny's concerned face. For several moments I'm aware of nothing except the terrifying feeling of suffocating to death and then with a rush the bubble around me pops and I can hear Danny murmuring loving words, telling me that he's here with me and he's not going anywhere. Several seconds tick by before I become aware of his hands on my face. I use his voice, his touch, _the very sight of him_ as my grounding wire.

"Breathe with me, Babe," he says, then takes a slow breath in, holds it for a second and then releases it just as slowly. A quick dart of my eyes to the right shows Julie watching silently, an encouraging look on her face. "You're doing good, Babe. Just keep breathing, okay? Slowly in, slowly out." Again he puts actions to words.

It takes several long minutes but eventually we're able to bring my panic attack under control. "I'm sorry," I mumble, closing my eyes and leaning forward so I can bury my face in his chest.

"Absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Steve. Just glad I was here and could help." He strokes the back of my head like I've seen him do to Grace when she's upset. "Julie said the attacks might get worse before they get better. But together we can control them."

I nod, the material of his shirt catching on the stubble on my cheek. "I hate that I'm like this."

"Like what, Steve?" Julie's voice is soft and pitched low, almost as if she's afraid I'll shatter if she speaks too loud.

"Broken. Damaged. Weak."

"You are none of those things." Danny's tone is laced with anger.

"I am."

"Are not."

"Am."

"Ar-" Danny starts to counter, again, but Julie stops him with, "You are not, Steve. You're a little battered and bruised but in time you'll be healed. Just don't try and rush it."

"Will I ever be as I was before?" Who I am in my own mind is so completely tied to who I was before that the thought that I might have to become someone else is terrifying.

"Unfortunately, no. That man died in the desert of Afghanistan. You'll have to figure out who you are now. Just know that whoever he is, he is loved. By Danny and Grace. And your sister, Mary. And all of your friends."

I nod. What they're saying makes sense but I'm finding it difficult to accept. I liked who I was. I don't know who I am now and that scares me. "What if I hate him? What if he's not a good person?"

Julie tilts her head. "Do you think you're capable of being a bad person? I mean really? Deep down where it counts, do you think it is even remotely possible that you could be anything less than good?"

"I'm not sure. Everyone's capable of evil. It's part of what makes us human."

"This is true. But most people have a filter of sorts that lets them know when they're about to be bad and they stop and think and choose to not do that bad thing. You, Commander, are one of those people. Your conscience will not allow you to be evil." She looks at her watch and grimaces. "I know this is a horrible place to stop but I do have other patients." Leaning forward, she places one hand on my arm. "You are a good person, Steve. Please believe that." She looks over at Danny and smiles. "Thank you for letting me meet Danny and Grace. They're helping build the picture of you." She stands and walks us to the door. "I'll see you this afternoon, Steve."

I frown. "This afternoon? Why?"

"We've missed a few sessions and because of that, and the reason why, I feel you need the extra time."

"Okay. I hope you didn't have to move too many things around for me."

"Not at all." Danny and I step out into the hall and she starts to close the door. "Oh, before I forget. I need your sister's current phone number since she can't come to an appointment."

"Uh…" I look over at Danny who fishes his phone from his pocket.

"Here it is." He hands her his phone and she jots the number in my file before handing it back.

"Thank you. Have a good lunch."

Danny and I go and get Grace from the peds wing and all three of us have lunch in the cafeteria. Then they go home. Or rather, Danny takes Grace home. He promised he'd be back before time for bed. Said he's going to sleep in my room each night until I'm allowed to go home.

My afternoon session with Julie is much like my earlier ones. We talk a lot about my family and why I chose to become career military with the SEALs and with Five-oh.

Danny keeps his word and returns just after I've had dinner, explaining he decided to eat with Grace. He's brought a laptop with him and we spend the time until lights out watching old CHiPS episodes.

At ten on the dot, the same orderly from my first day arrives carrying a small tray with two small plastic cups. "Dr. Anderson says to take them all." He hands me the smaller cup first. Inside are two pills. I dutifully tip them into my mouth and wash them down with the water from the second one.

Either the pills are extremely effective or I'm more tired than I think, because within minutes of taking them, I'm fighting to keep my eyes open. Danny gently kisses my forehead when it becomes obvious that I won't be able to stay awake any longer, telling me it's okay to stop fighting and sleep; that he'll be there when I wake.

For the first time in months, I don't remember any dreams and when I wake, I actually feel refreshed and better than I have in a long time. Danny doesn't appear to have fared as well during the night. There are bags under his eyes and he doesn't even try to tame his hair.

"I have to take Grace back to Rachel's. Her and Stan come back today," Danny tells me over breakfast.

"Does Rachel know?"

He shakes his head. "I only told her you weren't dead. Grace may have mentioned staying with Kono these past days but if she did, Rachel hasn't said anything to me."

"It's okay, you know. To tell her. That way she can help Grace understand."

"That's if she understands it herself, 'cause God knows _I_ don't."

"I don't either, Danny. That's why I'm getting help."

"Why are you so willing to get help?"

I _knew_ he'd get around to asking that. "So I can get better for you and Grace."

"Uh-huh. Try again, Army man."

I roll my eyes. "What? You think you and Grace aren't good enough reasons?"

"Maybe somewhere deep inside that's true but I'm sure your _main_ reason's much different, so spill."

I hate that he knows me so well. "I was told that if I didn't get help, I'd be medically discharged which means I'd lose my pension."

"And there it is. The fucking Navy's more important." I'm not sure what he means. Surely he knows that if I wasn't so damn close to my twenty that I'd have retired for him by now? "Is it worth it, Steve? Your pension?"

"Yeah. I didn't risk dying for nothing, D. I'm sure you'd do the same thing if you were in my shoes?"

"What?"

"If you were injured on the job and they discovered that you had a mental illness. You'd willingly get help for it in order to make it to retirement age." He sighs and I know I have him.

"Those are still stupid ass reason, Steve. Does Julie know the only reason you're being so willing is so you can get better benefits?"

I told her I was doing it for you and Grace."

Danny steps closer and takes my face in his hands. "The only reason to get better is so you can get better and be healthy. Not for better benefits after you stop being Super-SEAL or because you think Grace and I would love you any less."

"I don't think that," I whisper. And I don't. Or do I?

"Keep telling yourself that, Babe." He pulls me down to press his lips to mine. "I'll be back in time for dinner. Promise." With a pat to my left cheek, he turns and exits the room, leaving me alone.

The rest of the day passes in a haze of boredom. Until just after lunch. Marie and a couple of orderlies enter my room. "You have a couple of options here, Steve," Marie says. "You can try a shower again with these guys-" she points at the orderlies. "-in the room or I can sponge bathe you. Your choice."

"You trying to tell me I stink?"

"Pretty much."

I look back and forth between her and the orderlies. Marie is pretty and if she was ten years younger, and I wasn't head over heels for Danny, I'd let her bathe me. But since that's not gonna happen there's really only one choice. "In that case, I'll bathe myself."

"You sure? I've been told my sponge baths are to die for."

"Positive."

She chuckles. "Thought so. Markham and Stackhouse here will just be there to keep you from being triggered." I nod. "Excellent. When you're done, it'll be time for your appointment with Dr. Anderson. Have fun, boys." She grins before exiting the room.

Left alone with my babysitters, I gather up clean clothes and enter the bathroom, leaving the door open in difference of the two extra bodies. It feels good to stand under the spray and to scrub my body clean. Having someone in the room, or rather near it, helps keep me in the here and now.

Finally I feel clean enough so I turn off the water and step from the stall. And find my guards have turned their back. "Um, guys? We're military, remember? Nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Yeah, but I've seen your boyfriend and he looks like he can kick shit something fierce and I'd rather not find out first hand," Markham tells me over his shoulder.

I chuckle. "Yeah, he sure can kick some shit. But he'd know you were just doing your jobs."

"Still don't want to find out for sure, Sir," Stackhouse says, shifting slightly from foot to foot.

"Fair enough." I give them a nod to let them know I'm fine and they can go. Once alone, I find myself at a bit of a loss for what to do. But luckily not for long. About five minutes after Markham and Stackhouse leave, Marie arrives to take me to Julie's office.

My afternoon session with Julie focuses on my relationship with Dad. I can tell she's frustrated with me because I'm holding back. But I can't help it. Everything I am is because of what he did after Mom's death and I haven't figured out how to separate those feelings from each other.

At the end of our hour she hands me a notebook. "I want you to write in that." She nods at it.

"Write what?"

"Whatever. I want to start tracking your triggers."

"So you want me to start keeping a diary?"

"More like a journal. We won't meet tomorrow since it's Sunday, only once on Monday and not at all on Tuesday. This way should anything happen that you want - or need - to discuss you don't have to try and remember it until you see me again."

"I can't take this big spiral notebook to crime scenes or when chasing suspects."

"Then get a small one that fits in a pocket. The point is to jot down what's going on when you begin to feel an attack coming on."

"Okay." I know I'll feel weird doing it and will most likely forget but I'll try to remember. I want to get better and if this'll help…

"I'm going to give you an assignment this one time. I want you to tell Danny everything."

"He's not cleared for a lot of it."

"Don't worry about that. Just tell him. Start with your earliest memory and work your way to the present."

"I can do that." At least I hope I can.

"Good. I want you to write about how you feel while telling him, how he reacted and how you feel about his reaction."

"And show you Monday?"

"No. This is all for you. If telling him makes you have an attack, I want to know. But otherwise-" She shrugs. "-for your eyes only."

When I get back to my room, I find that Danny still hasn't returned. I decide to start writing about what I want to tell him, mostly so when I do begin I don't have to search for the words. But also so that if I find I can't say them out loud, I can just hand him the book and let him read it.

My first memory is of a December 7th Remembrance Day when I was four or five. It leads to another which leads to another, and so on and so forth. Most of them are not in chronological order and so the pages end up getting filled with a disjointed stream of consciousness that I hope he can follow. By the time he returns, I've managed to write about most of my childhood and have just started on the memories of my junior year at the military academy.

"Hey, Babe." He presses a kiss to my temple. "Whatcha doing?"

"Writing things I remember." I finish off the memory of my graduation from the academy and close the notebook before turning to face him. "Hi," I say, pulling him closer so I can wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his chest. The steady thump-thump of his heart is very soothing.

"Hi, yourself," he says softly, carding his fingers through the hair on the back of my head. "Had a good day?"

"No attacks."

"A very good day."

I laugh. "Yeah. A very good day." I try and not think about how my life for the foreseeable future will be measured in good days versus bad days. Danny's stomach rumbles and I pull back to frown at it. "Didn't you eat?"

"Yeah, like five or six hours ago. It's dinner time. Let's go." He steps back and leads the way from my room to the cafeteria. I absently notice that no one accompanies us.

It isn't until we're sitting down at a table in the back that Danny notices I've brought my notebook with me. "Why'd you bring that?" 

"Julie says I should tell you things and I wrote some down so I wouldn't forget." He nods. "But I don't think I can say them, so here." I push the notebook across the table to him.

He wipes his hands on his jeans before picking it up and flipping it open to the first page. "Is this the very first memory you have?" He points at the words scribbled on the page.

"Yeah. I was four, I think, that day just stayed with me for some reason."

"Okay." He starts to read, then looks back up. "You want comments as I read?"

"If you want to comment,-" I shrug. "-sure."

He smiles at me before lowering his gaze to the pages while absently forking spaghetti into his mouth. He chuckles a few times and I know he hasn't gotten to my memories of Dad after Mom's death yet. When a scowl crosses his face and he glances up to frown at me, I know he's there. I chew my lower lip while pushing the food around my plate.

It takes us nearly an hour to eat because he's distracted by reading my memories and asking questions to clarify a few details. By the time he's done eating, he's read most of what I wrote.

Danny's quiet on the walk back to my room and I begin to worry that that means he's deciding whether or not I'm worth it after all. But then I remember what both him and Julie have said and I figure that he's just trying to wrap his head around what he now knows about my childhood and possibly trying to reconcile it with what he already knows of me as an adult.

After reading about how my dad taught me to box and helped me with football, he muttered, "That explains a lot". Not sure how to take that comment, I chose to just ignore it. Along with a few other choice comments he makes about my dad's treatment of Mary and I after Mom's death. Even though I'm sure he'd do the same with Grace, it's uplifting to know he has my back in regards to what Dad did.

It's not until we're back in my room that he speaks and even then it takes him a second or two to find the words.

"Is it wrong to say that I truly hate your dad? I mean, the man was a great cop but he sucked as a father."

"He did what he thought was best to protect the family he had left. Can you honestly say you wouldn't do the same with Grace?"

He sighs and flops down on his bed. "I know if I was in his shoes, I'd probably do the exact same. But I'm not just talking about what he did after. I'm talking about how he was hardly there. And how you never knew he went to all your games. Hell, he could have told you after. Could have given you some praise for a great throw or whatever." He shrugs.

"Your parents made sure you and your siblings knew you were loved, didn't they? That's why you are the way you are with Grace." I sit next to him, leaning in a bit so that our shoulders touch.

"Yeah, Pop may have been fire chief but he only missed things if there was a fire or accident. If he was on and one of us had something, the whole fire house would come." He shakes his head. "I just don't understand parents who don't show affection to their kids. It doesn't even have to be hugs and kisses. Saying you're proud, showing up for games or performances; _that's_ what kids remember."

"And is why you moved over five thousand miles from your family. So that when Grace is a mother she can tell her kids how you were there for her."

"Yeah, and so she can see what kind of man I want her to marry."

"That's assuming she wants to marry a man."

"True. She could be bi-sexual like me and fall for a woman." We sit in silence for a moment, just _being_ with each other. "So the last memory I read was the day your dad sent you to the mainland with Joe. Care to expand that? Or tell me about life with Joe?"

"Could you just keep reading and I'll answer any questions you have?" I hate talking about this stuff but know I have to with Julie, but not so much with Danny.

Luckily he agrees with me. "Okay, on to the next memory. Love the stream of consciousness, by the way."

I turn my head to hide a smile against his shoulder. "I thought you might. It wasn't difficult. Once I got going it just flowed. Each memory reminded me of another and so on and so forth."

"I like knowing more about what makes you tick." He bounces his shoulder a bit. "Lets me know that you truly are human and not the superman Grace thinks you are."

"She only thinks that because you told her I am."

He snorts. "I did no such thing."

I prop my chin on his shoulder. "She told me some of the stories you've told her about me. I come off as pretty close to superhuman in several of them."

Danny tilts his head and rests it against mine. "They were supposed to be cautionary tales."

I laugh and nuzzle behind his ear. "If you say so."

"Steve…" He twitches his shoulder, dislodging me from my perch. "We've talked about that."

"Yeah, yeah. Wasn't really trying anything other than saying 'I love you'."

"Use your words." He turns and presses a quick kiss to my nose. "Like this: I love you, Steven Jedi McGarrett."

"I wish my parents hadn't been such nerds," I groan, flopping back on the bed.

Danny leans over me, his hands braced on either side of my head. "I like it. In fact, I think I'll make that your new nickname: Jedi. What'd'ya think?"

"Fine!" I grab his face and pull him down until our noses touch. "I'll quit calling you 'Danno'!"

"Oh, no, Jedi, don't. I _like_ it." His grin is pure evil and his amusement is dancing in his eyes. It feels good to be happy here with him.

I pull him down for a kiss just as Marie clears her throat from the door. "Lights out, boys."

We both sigh and Danny rolls off me to allow me to sit up so I can take the little cup of sleeping pills from Marie's outstretched hand. "I didn't have any attacks today," I say, trying to get out of having to take the pills.

"But Dr. Anderson didn't cancel the order. So until such time as she does, you take them every night."

With a resigned sigh, I toss back the hated pills and wash them down with the water. I begin to feel the effects sooner than last night and worry a bit but before I can really worry about it, I'm drifting on a sea of darkness that is free of demons.

The next day is spent wandering the grounds with Danny. Rachel brings Grace by in time for lunch. On more than one occasion I catch Rachel looking at me with sympathy in her eyes.

Monday, Danny and I have a session with Julie in the morning and then I have a solo session in the afternoon.

Tuesday is a repeat of Sunday, except Kono is the one to bring Grace by. According to Grace, Rachel was busy cleaning up from a party her and Stan threw the night before. But according to Kono, delivered in a whisper, Rachel was saddened by seeing me in the hospital.

Wednesday marks one week since I'd first been admitted and Julie has Grace, Kono and Chin present for the morning session with Danny and me.

It's quickly decided that I won't ever be left alone which means that Five-oh is moving into my house part-time. Chin informed me that Kamekona has already offered to sit with me when the team needs to be at the office or out in the field. I feel like a child that can't be left alone and it makes me feel guilty for taking them all away from their jobs. They're quick to reassure me, however, when I express my concerns about it. Stating that they don't mind; that this is what you do for the people you love.

And so it is that I walk out of Tripler a week after entering it, surrounded by my _ohana_ and clutching a script for sleeping pills. Pills that I'm determined to never take while knowing deep down that my little rebellion won't even get off the ground. Not when Julie mentioned the pills in front of Grace. And Kono.


	6. Chapter 6

It takes a few days but eventually we all settle into a routine: Chin and Kono come over in the morning, usually in time for breakfast, so that Danny can take Grace to school. Then Kamekona delivers lunch, after which Danny, Chin and Kono head to the office to use the computers there or to chase down a lead. Kamekona and I pick Grace up from school and help him sell his shrimp. Danny joins us for dinner, then we help Grace with her homework before taking her back to Rachel. The rest of the evening is spent watching TV and talking. I continue to write stuff down and usually just hand the notebook over to Danny once we're back home and let him guide the conversation around what I've written that day. When it's time for bed, we trade light kisses and caresses then snuggle down to sleep curled around each other, after he makes sure I take my pill, of course.

The twice daily sessions with Julie eventually decrease to once a day, then three times a week, then twice a week, then once a week and finally twice a month.

Danny and I begin seeing a couple's therapist when I leave the hospital and start out with the same number of sessions as I have with Julie. But instead of ending up only going twice a month, we stay at once a week. Mostly because of my intimacy issues and how I react when Danny 'rejects' me. Our therapist, Dave, gives us lots of homework: make time for just us where we talk about things we've never told anyone else, go on at least one date a month but try for once a week and the one we struggle with the most (or at least _I_ do) absolutely no sexual contact. He stresses the no contact whatsoever by stating we're not even allowed to hug or kiss.

We don't manage that last one very often, Danny's a very physically affection type person and I'm slowly learning how to hear his 'I love you' in a simple touch. Most of our 'dates' end with us making out like teenagers on the couch. Most times we stop at second base but a few times we've gone to third. Once or twice we tried to round third but each time ended with me in tears with an impending panic attack that Danny was _just_ barely able to pull me out of. But Dave seems more amused than upset that we broke his no sexual contact rule. Danny and I are confused by his reaction until he tells us, after two years of seeing him, that he knew we wouldn't be able to follow that one. That he uses it all the time with the romantic couples who come to see him. Said it helps rebuild the physical intimacy that has gotten lost for whatever reason.

Finally, two years after being reported killed in action, I begin letting Danny, and both therapists, know that I'm ready for us to have sex. Julie agrees, as does Dave. But Danny is still holding back. With Dave and Julie's help I don't take it personally. I know he just wants to be completely sure. Especially in light of those early attempts two years ago after I was released from the hospital.

Two days before New Year's and our third anniversary, I meet with Denning about my resuming my position as head of Five-oh. A year after my release, I went back to work part-time, I'd work in the morning, then spend the afternoon resting and with Grace.

"Afternoon, Commander," Denning greets me when I'm ushered into his office.

"Afternoon, Governor."

"You're looking well." He motions to the chairs in front of his desk and I lower myself into one.

"I am very well, thank you. In fact, that's what I want to talk to you about. Now that it's obvious I can work without being triggered, my doctors have released me back to full activities."

"Does Detective Williams know you're ready to take the lead again?"

"He does. He just doesn't know that I want to resume my job today. As in, as soon as I leave here."

"You have something from your doctors?" I hand him the envelope with the letters from both Julie and my PCP stating that I'm fit for duty. He reads it carefully before setting it down. "Are you being medicated?"

I shake my head. "I have prescriptions for sleeping pills and anti-anxiety but I only take them as needed."

He nods. "I'm very glad you're better, Commander. We may have our differences but you and your team do good work. And I appreciate what you do for the islands as well as the rest of the country. It was a sad day for us all when Detective Williams told me that you had been reported killed in action."

"Thank you for those kind words, Governor."

"Thank you for your service, Commander. Now go catch some bad guys and get them the hell off my island."

"Will do." With a nod, I leave his office with a spring in my step. I'm going back to work full-time and tonight I will finally convince Danny to make love with me.

"Hey, Boss!" Kono greets me the instant I step foot inside the double glass door of Five-oh. Hearing her call me that again has me laughing in relief. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it. Guess Danny told her that I was seeing Denning today.

"Hey. Everything quiet here?"

"As quiet as it can be for a few days post Christmas and pre New Year's." She shrugs, flashing her dimple bearing grin. "So…?" She waggles her eyebrows.

"So…what?" I feign innocence. She purses her lips in annoyance, pulling yet another chuckle from deep within me. "I'm back full-time as of right now."

"Yay!" she squeals and throws her arms around my neck, squeezing tight. "We missed you."

I hug her back and open my mouth to respond but before I can, I'm interrupted by Danny striding across the bullpen with a look of mock jealousy on his face. "Hey, Kalakaua! Hands off my man!"

Kono jumps back, lips clamped tight to suppress a giggle. "Sorry, Boss," she whispers before bolting for the relative safety of the women's room.

"Traitor!" I hiss in her wake.

"Hey, Babe," Danny murmurs, stepping close and pulling me down for a quick peck on the lips.

"Hey." I settle my hands on the swell of his ass, loving that I can do so freely anywhere I want.

"So? What did Denning say?"

"That things were positively boring with you in charge," I say, earning a squeak of outrage from the man in my arms. Chuckling softly, I let him smack my arm, then pretend it hurt with a full on pout. He just rolls his eyes. "No, he said he's glad I'm better and that he appreciates what I do."

"Good. So you're back full-time tomorrow?"

"Nope. Right now."

"You sure about that?" A small flash of the old anger flares at the thought that he's still questioning me but I squash it quickly based on the gleam in his eyes.

"You won't say no?" He shakes his head. "Chin!" I bellow in the direction of his office.

"Yeah, Boss?" Chin comes jogging into the bullpen slightly confused. "Everything okay?"

"Just peachy. Danny and I are cutting out early. You're in charge until tomorrow."

He nods his understanding. "Call if you need us," Danny says while pushing me toward the door.

"As in, someone had better be dead and that someone had better be me or Kono?"

"You got it," Danny and I say in unison.

We pass Kono venturing out of the restroom on our way to the stairs, waving as we go. Our grins get bigger at the thoroughly confused look on her face. I glance back just before the bend that takes us out of sight of the doors and see the light go off in her head. She grins from ear to ear and gives me the thumbs up sign.

I slide behind the wheel of the Camaro and smile when Danny doesn’t even hesitate before settling into the passenger seat. With a twist of my wrist I start the car, put it in gear and pull smoothly out into traffic.

When we hit a straight stretch of mostly empty highway, I reach over and fondle him through his pants. "Steve…" He moans and presses my hand closer. "You're driving."

"I can multitask." I glance over to grin at him.

"Eyes on the road, please. I, for one, am really looking forward to finally rounding third base with you."

Keeping my hand wrapped around his throbbing hard on, I dutifully return my gaze to the road. Danny's hand is wrapped around my wrist, his fingers digging into the skin, clenching and unclenching in time with my pounding heart.

After I give him one particularly tight squeeze, which pulls a deep throated groan from him, he removes my hand from his lap but before I can even begin to complain he's demanding, "Pull over."

"What?" I chance a quick look at his profile. His eyes are narrowed and his jaw is clenched tight.

"Pull. The. Fuck. Over." He still has his hand around my wrist and he digs his nails even harder into the skin of my inner wrist with each word.

With a nod, I find a hidden spot and pull over, killing the engine. I have no idea what's wrong and I'm starting to worry just a little bit but he doesn't leave me in much suspense. As soon as I let go of the keys, he leans over the gear shift and reaches between my legs. I frown at the back of his head while he fumbles for something under the seat. When the seat barely moves back, he mumbles, "Freak" then reaches between me and the door. With his left hand pressing on the head rest, he pulls the lever that lowers the back of the seat. I open my mouth to question what's going on only to have him shut me up with a kiss that's all lips and teeth.

While recovering from that, he quickly undoes my fly and fishes my erection out of my pants. Air leaves my lungs on a quiet "Oh" when he swallows me whole and his intentions become crystal clear.

And that's my last coherent thought for several minutes as he does his level best to suck my brains out through my dick. While Danny is a damn near expert in the art of the blow job, this time there's too much of a rush for anything more than a quickie. Using everything he knows I like: his tongue, a lot of suction and a hint of teeth, he pulls my orgasm from me in no time at all. I shove one fist in my mouth as stars explode behind my eyes, won't do to get caught having sex in a public place when the ultimate goal is so fucking close.

"Dan-" Just that one syllable saps all the energy I have left, leaving me panting and blinking up at the ceiling of the car.

Eventually I become aware that his arm is moving rapidly back and forth. It takes longer than I care to admit for me to figure out that he's jacking off. Using my very last reserves of energy, I slap his hand away and take over. With absolutely no finesse whatsoever I bring him to a shuddering climax. He comes all over my hand with a soft grunt.

"Think you can manage to not molest me again before we get somewhere more appropriate than here?" How in the ever loving _fuck_ is he able to talk? A grunt of my own is my answer. "Good enough," he mumbles into my shoulder, tiny tremors still tripping through his body. After another moment, he shifts off me and back into his seat, buckling up. "Anytime now, Army man." The usual retort of 'Navy, Daniel!' hovers on my lips but I'm still not recovered enough to engage him in a verbal battle.

Still thoroughly stunned at what we just did, and how many laws we just broke, I put my seat back into its proper positions and start the car. Putting it in gear, I calmly pull back out onto the road and continue on our way to the house.

At the first red light to stop us, I realize my pants are still undone. As nonchalantly as I can, I tuck myself back in and do up the fly. From the corner of my eye I see Danny do the same.

I don't live far from the office and most days I'm home before I know it. But today, however, isn't a usual day. The familiar drive seems to take forever. And so it is with a sigh of relief that I pull into the gravel drive that circles around behind the house.

I put the car in neutral, turn off the engine and open my door in almost one motion. When Danny opens his door, I stop him with my fist in the front of his shirt which I use to pull him over the center console and out my door.

"Neanderthal," he mutters but I hear it as the endearment it's meant to be.

Without stopping, and pulling him along behind me by my fistful of his shirt, I ask over my shoulder, "You want I should carry you?"

"Not a girl!"

At the door, I stop and turn so that he runs into me, helped by my continued grip on his shirt. "Just a suggestion because of your shorter legs."

"Open the goddamn door already." He crowds me against the door, pressing his renewed erection against my thigh. "Now, Steven."

After a bit of fumbling, I get the door open and we all but fall over the threshold. I manage to catch us and get us far enough inside that I can close the door so I can press him up against it, grinding my own erection against his hip. I bury my nose behind his left ear and lick and suck the skin there. He shivers deliciously when my teeth scrape against his flesh.

His hands are fisting my shirt at the shoulders and I'm not sure if he's pulling me closer or pushing me away. Until he says, "Steve" in the voice I recognize from Before. It's the voice that means he's calling a halt. It's the voice I've grown to hate.

"You said you wouldn't say no this time, Danny." I know my voice has a whine to it but _goddammit_ there's only so many times he can lead me on like this before I decide I've had enough and leave.

"I'm not saying no, Steve. I swear."

"Then why stop?" I slip my hands between his ass and the wood of the door, squeezing and lifting just a bit.

"Because our first time should not - _will not_ \- be against the fucking front door!" His voice goes up an octave when my teeth discover his earlobe. "Steve!"

The urgency in his tone finally gets through to me and I pull back just far enough to step toward the couch. "Oh, hell to the fucking no!" He doesn't move an inch from where he's holding up the door. "We are not fucking for the first time on the couch, either. My daughter sits on that couch, Steven! In fact, we are _never_ fucking on that couch."

"You want the bed?"

"Do I want…?" He narrows his eyes at me. "Yes, I want the fucking bed!"

"Shall I-" I begin only to have him cut me off with a growled, "I swear to _God_ , Steven, if you ask if I want you to carry me, you will _never_ get any. From anyone!" I just raise one eyebrow and continue as if he hadn't interrupted. "-lead the way?"

"Yes. Oh, my _God_ , yes!" He pushes on my shoulders until I take the hint and turn toward the stairs.

I can feel him hot on my heels and take my time climbing the wooden treads. This has the intended benefit of him urging me on with his hands hot and broad against my back and muttering the few pidgin curses he's learned over the years. I just smirk to myself. Sometimes he's just too easy to rile up.

Once in the bedroom, time seems to slow down and our urgency disappears. I find myself wanting to take my time. And it appears he feels the same.

I turn to face him and he steps into my embrace, his arms going up around my neck so he can pull my head down for a kiss. We stand there for several minutes just kissing and holding each other. I feel like I've finally come home and it's a feeling I want to savor. Our kisses are soft, gentle, and just shy of being completely chaste. We have all the time in the world tonight so there's no need to rush. But I'm sure that'll change once we're naked.

We begin to undress each other as slowly as possible, kissing and touching each inch of skin as it's revealed. We keep coming back for more kisses being sure to keep them soft and gentle, to continue to express our love for each other rather than enflame our smoldering passion. We know that this time we'll get there. That this time there is nothing to stop us; nothing to get in the way.

Finally we're both naked and lying on the bed with him draped half over me. "I want you in me, Danny," I whisper against his shoulder.

"You sure, Steve?" I nod. "Okay." He rolls away to get the lube and a condom. "Steve…" he starts to say, taking up a position between my spread legs.

"I swear if you ask me one more time if I'm ready, I'm going to tie you to the bed and fuck myself on your dick."

He chuckles. "I love you, Asshole." He leans down and distracts me with deep searching kisses.

Over the past several months Danny has been introducing me to fingering. I was afraid I wouldn't like it but found to my delight that I do. He begins prepping me slowly. First one finger, then two and finally three. The magic number - three. He removes his fingers and begins to slowly enter me, pausing after every inch to allow me to adjust. Once fully inside, he stretches out on top of me, cupping my head in his hands.

Looking deep into my eyes, he asks, "You okay?"

I hold onto his sides, my fingers digging into the skin on either side of his spine and bend my knees to put my feet flat on the bed in preparation of meeting him thrust for thrust. After a couple of experimental squeezes of my muscles, I nod, swallowing thickly. "Oh, yeah. I'm better than okay."

Danny smiles lovingly down at me and then begins to move slowly, almost as if he's afraid moving too fast will have me panicking and demanding he stop. Even though I've told him repeatedly over the past months that I'm more than ready for this, his love for me is so great that he can't contemplate hurting me even a little.

I grip his back tighter, knowing I'm leaving bruises, a fact that thrills me. He reaches back with his left hand and tugs my right leg higher on his hip, his weight balanced on his right hand and his knees.

We stare into each other's eyes, our connection a near tangible thing between us. I've never made love with anyone before. Oh, sure I've said I have, said I was in love, but before Danny I never knew what that meant. He has opened my eyes to a whole world of things.

When I throw my head back after one particularly deep thrust, he releases his grip on my leg to lower himself to his elbows, a position that gives him better leverage to fuck me deeper, harder, _better_.

Our kisses are in perfect contrast to everything else. We're thrusting frantically against each other, doing our level best to become one but our kisses are soft, gentle almost chaste. 

My heart is pounding, my breath coming in huge gasps. I feel like I do during a panic attack, except I don't feel panicked. Danny's breathing just as harshly and when I put one hand on his chest over his heart I can feel it racing. The look in his eyes tells me everything I need to know: this is it for the both of us. If I had never recovered enough for this he would have been okay with it. Because he loves me and sex is just one physical expression of that love. Danny has hundreds of ways of telling me he loves me. And I've finally learned how to hear them all.


End file.
